


Dear Order

by silverwolf7007



Series: The Many Shenanigans of Harry Potter [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Dear Order, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-16 01:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 26,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8081710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverwolf7007/pseuds/silverwolf7007
Summary: "I'm still alive, as you may surmise from this note. Of course, I could be dead and someone is faking the letter to fool you…" Harry is not too happy about being left at Privet Drive all summer with no one to talk to....





	1. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Giant Flaming Turkey

_**Letter One – "Charlie, send many dragons."** _

The summer holidays had begun three days ago, and several key members of the Order of the Phoenix were about to sit down to dinner.

However, there was a definite anticipatory atmosphere in the house, which was making people snappish.

As such, the five students staying in the house for the holidays were hiding in an upstairs room for as long as possible, along with the twins.

Bill and Charlie were downstairs in the lounge, playing a violent game of chess. Tonks and Kingsley were watching from a safe distance so as not to be hit with flying shrapnel.

Molly was in the kitchen, along with Minerva. No one else was brave enough to even step too close to the doorway when the both of them were in there.

Arthur and Moody were attempting to set up the dining room for imminent use, as there were too many people to fit in the kitchen.

Albus was sitting in the lounge, across the room from Charlie and Bill's small-scale massacre, trying to read a book. He was having rather a lot of trouble with this, as the text kept changing from _'Transfiguration Through the Ages'_ to _'172 Alternatives to Sherbet Lemons and Tea'_ and back again.

By the fire, Severus and Remus were sitting in armchairs and apparently having a serious card game in between hexing Albus's book and Remus glancing at the windows.

It was assumed that the two men were playing poker, as they were using Muggle cards and seemed incredibly focussed on winning. It wasn't until Remus's rather triumphant hiss of 'Go fish' that anyone realised what they were really playing and the collective respect the others had for them went down a tad.

Finally, Arthur poked his head through the door and told them the dining room was ready. Everyone abandoned their activities and headed in to sit down. Charlie went upstairs to find the kids and returned with them not long after, looking a little scarred.

Molly and Minerva brought out the meal, and everyone began to eat.

Ten minutes later, all food was abandoned as Hedwig flew through the window, all eyes glued to her.

She circled the room for a moment, searching, and then landed on Charlie's shoulder.

He turned and looked at her. "You want me to open it?"

Pointedly she stuck out her leg. Charlie shrugged, took the note and unfolded it. He snorted.

"Read it _aloud_ ," Bill prompted.

Charlie's lips twitched. "All right.

' _Dear Order,_

_Am still alive, as you may surmise from this note._

_Of course, I could be dead and someone is faking the letter to fool you. Quick, you'd better come and check. Charlie, send many dragons._

_Also say hi to 'Mione, Gin, Luna, Nev and Ron for me. And everyone else except Dumbledore._

_Love Harry.'_ "

He noticed he was receiving some sceptical looks. "I'm not kidding, you can read it yourselves."

The note was passed around the table, everyone finding some amusement from it – even Albus.

Charlie went back to his dinner, as did everyone else, one and all wondering what Harry would write in three days time.


	2. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Badly Singed Flamingo

**_Letter Two – "I don't care how you do it, just do it."_ **

 

Three days had passed since Harry's first letter, and again there were eighteen people wandering about Headquarters.

In fact, aside from Molly, Hermione, Minerva and Ginny, who were in the kitchen cooking, everyone was in the lounge room this time. Mostly, they were chatting.

Albus had given up on reading two days ago, when someone (he suspected Severus) had turned his book on cacti into a book on the mating habits of werewolves.

Remus and Severus were again locked into a vicious battle, this time playing Exploding Snap.

Luna had convinced Fred to use a spell to lengthen George's hair, and she was now happily putting it into many tiny plaits. George was allowing her to do this, as she had also convinced him to grow Fred's fingernails a centimetre longer and had given him a manicure the day before.

For some reason, neither twin had bothered to protest too much – although this may have had something to do with the promise they had extracted from Luna to do the same to Bill, Charlie and Ron once she was done with them.

Minerva stepped out of the kitchen, the girls on her heels. Ginny immediately joined Luna, causing George to sigh loudly.

Molly wasn't far behind them, leaving the roast to, well, roast.

Naturally enough, it was about then that there was a tapping on the window (that Bill had been told to leave open and then promptly forgot about). Neville jumped up and let Hedwig inside.

She headed straight for Moody, who sighed and took the letter as Ron gave Hedwig a few owl treats.

The ex-Auror chuckled at the note, and needed no prompting to read it aloud.

"' _Dear Order,_

_Have lost my mind due to boredom. Mad-Eye, please come help me find it._

_Love Harry.'_ "

There was amusement shared around the table, along with sympathy for Harry and several pleas to be allowed to write to him, which Albus refused.

Moody, however, was still looking at Harry's letter. There was more written underneath, which he hadn't read aloud. It was meant for his eyes…well, his _eye_ only.

' _Mad-Eye,_

_I've written this in invisible ink, which I'm sure you can see with that eye of yours. Please don't tell anyone I wrote this – at least, not just yet._

_Have Remus sniff the paper. I don't care how you do it, just_ do _it._

_Ta!'_

He sighed resignedly and made a show of sniffing the paper suspiciously. He thought he caught a hint of something, frowned in confusion, and held the letter out to Remus. "Here Lupin, you try. I think there's something on it."

Worried, Remus took the note and held it to his nose. He sniffed.

He sniffed again.

He sniffed a few more times, and then he froze. Slowly, he put the letter on the table and backed away.

Then he sneezed. Several times.

Moody felt mildly guilty for causing this, but mostly amused.

Remus managed to get his nose under his control and gave Moody a watery glare. "You bastards. You and him. Little tosser. He told you to do it, didn't he?"

His only answer was a smirk.

Hermione looked at her ex-professor curiously. "What was on it, Remus?"

He glowered at the innocuous-seeming little note on the table. " _Lavender_ ," he hissed viciously.

For some reason, this just made everyone laugh. He sneezed. They laughed harder.

Remus pouted.

 


	3. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Carefully Crisped Canary

_**Letter Three – "I'd like you to do me a favour, Professor Snape, if that's at all possible."**  _

 

The third letter caught everyone off guard, simply because it arrived much earlier than the previous ones.

It was, in fact, well before lunch, and the weather was wonderful.

The nice day allowed everyone who wanted to be to be in the backyard, which was apparently just as safe as the house. In fact, everyone was out there somewhere, except for Severus, who was inside brewing a potion, and the twins, who were probably doing something along the same lines that was much more explosive.

Outside, Ron and Charlie were playing off against Ginny and Bill, while Luna and Hermione watched from the ground (well they were actually reading, but they glanced up _occasionally_ to make sure no one had fallen off).

Remus, sitting under a tree, had something that he was keeping from the eyes of everyone else, his wand out, and was (as he put it) 'tinkering'. It was a general theory that he was sulking because Severus had refused to play cards with him outside.

Molly, Arthur, Kingsley, Tonks, Minerva, Moody and Albus were sitting around an enlarged picnic table, discussing Voldemort, the war, and politics. This really just means that they were gossiping, of course.

It wasn't long before Fred and George wandered outside, their hair and freckles an eye-wateringly bright shade of blue. No one bothered asking how it had happened, as this wasn't the first time the twins had emerged from their room displaying evidence of their experiments. Molly just sighed at them.

Severus, surprisingly, wasn't far behind them. He immediately gained everyone's undivided attention, as not only was he always reluctant to surface from the house, but he had Hedwig perched on his shoulder and a highly amused smirk on his face.

Even Ron, Charlie, Ginny and Bill stopped flying and joined everyone else near the picnic table to hear the latest missive from Harry.

Remus pocketed whatever he had been tinkering with and quickly walked over, attempting to steal the letter from the Potions Master's hands. Severus easily avoided him.

"Well?" Moody growled after several silent minutes. "We don't have all day, Snape."

Severus's lips twitched slightly. "If I recall, Moody, you actually _do_."

He earned himself a withering glare in reply.

Ignoring this, he turned to the Headmaster. "Albus. I have a message for you."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Potter wishes for me to inform you that you suck."

Hermione sighed. The twins snorted. Luna and Ginny giggled. Remus snickered. The other three Weasley boys hit the ground in hysterical laughter.

Albus looked somewhat put out.

Severus silently handed the letter to the still-snickering werewolf before retreating back into the house and his potions lab.

Remus looked down at the note in his hands.

' _Dear Order,_

_Still alive, see?_

_I'd like you to do me a favour, Professor Snape, if that's at all possible. I need you to convey a message to the Headmaster for me._

_Tell him he sucks._

_Love Harry'_

 


	4. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Ugly Duckling

_**Letter Four – "Would anyone mind terribly if I joined Voldemort?"** _

 

The usual group occupying the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix were currently in a highly unusual situation.

They were on the roof.

All eighteen of them.

None of them were entirely certain as to how they had gotten there, although Molly suspected the twins on principle.

Albus, on the other hand, was fairly certain that Severus and Remus had been experimenting with spells again, and had thusly caused this strange, sudden displacement.

No one else ascribed to this theory due to the rather compromising position the two men had been in when they had arrived on the roof.

It had been rather amusing, actually. Ron had screamed, while Neville, Arthur and everyone of the female persuasion (barring Luna) had blushed violently. Moody, Kingsley and the older Weasley boys had all just burst out laughing.

Albus had just blinked at the two naked, wet men in shock. Now _there_ was something he hadn't expected!

Luna just smirked. A little smugly, in fact, but no one noticed this.

Remus had shrieked slightly and attempted to hide himself behind Severus, which caused the other man to glare rather fiercely at him through his dripping hair. Both of them were blushing.

All over.

Minerva had been the first to recover her wits (besides Luna, who was too busy being smug and enjoying the view to bother helping) and had quickly conjured them each a robe, which the two men donned immediately.

Once everyone had gotten over the fact that the werewolf and the potions master had appeared on the roof dripping wet and snogging heavily, or was at least pretending to be over it (or was suppressing their recent memories), talk quickly turned to the other thing that had just happened.

Namely, their sudden appearance on the roof.

It wasn't as though anyone had actually moved from where they had been. Oh no, it had been a spontaneous appearing act, in which everyone in the house had been magically transported from their previous activities and directly dumped on the top of the house.

Supposedly, not a single one of them had any idea of how they had arrived there.

Of course, no one even bothered to ask Luna, who was gazing dreamily off into the distance. If they had, they would have probably received a smug smirk and an admission of culpability.

But they didn't.

So Luna kept silent, her eyes on the distant speck in the sky that was gradually growing into a snowy owl.

Eventually, the immature bickering that might have been mistaken as calm, collected discussion (at least by those involved) began to dwindle off as the others on the roof gradually noticed Hedwig heading their way.

By the time she arrived at the roof, there was nothing but silence as everyone waited to see whose shoulder she would perch on.

Hedwig, for once, didn't seem to have a particular destination. She circled them a few times in consideration before landing on the top of Kingsley's bald head, it being the highest perch there.

Kingsley winced and coaxed the owl down onto his shoulder, making a mental note to have a _discussion_ with Harry concerning his evil-minded familiar. He ignored the blood trickling down his neck from Hedwig's landing and removed the letter.

He read it. He blinked a few times. He read it again. He snorted.

"What, what, what?" Tonks demanded, bouncing on the balls of her feet in curiosity.

Kingsley cleared his throat and read the letter aloud.

"' _Dear Order,_

_Am hoping that you're all in good health, and that Professor Snape delivered my message to the Headmaster.'"_

Kingsley paused as several members of his audience snickered.

"' _I've been thinking. Would anyone mind terribly if I joined Voldemort? I get the feeling that he doesn't randomly leave people stuck in a house with the Dursleys for the entire summer with no contact with sentient human beings._

_I'm sure he and I can work through our issues, and his little killing people thing._

_Love Harry'"_

Everyone stared at him.

"You don't think he's… _serious_ , do you?" Charlie asked with a worried frown.

Neville snorted. "Of course he isn't. At least, he isn't _yet_."

"In that case," Severus began, tone irritated. "Can we work on getting _off the roof_? I still have shampoo in my hair."

 


	5. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Parched Pigeon

_**Letter Five – "Try to follow Dumbles around, when and where possible."** _

 

Nymphadora Tonks was never one to pass up a challenge, and what was contained in the letter that had been delivered to her earlier that morning was definitely a big one.

Of course, she usually had some kind of understanding as to why she was doing… whatever it was that the challenge required of her.

Then again, when one took into account who had set this challenge, one would realise that there was a reason for its obscurity.

The reason was that Harry, despite being a lovable kid, was utterly insane.

But even though she knew that, Tonks just couldn't resist. After all, Harry was known for causing mayhem wherever he went, and while she may not understand why he wanted her to do what she was planning to do; she knew it would undoubtedly unsettle the Headmaster in some way.

No one at Headquarters could pass up the opportunity to annoy the old man any more. His continued insistence that they couldn't contact Harry, coupled with him constantly offering tea and lemon drops (and occasionally lemon tea or tea drops, when Remus or Severus got bored) had him getting on even Arthur's normally unshakable nerves.

These were the thoughts that led Tonks to her current situation.

Well, those thoughts, and the letter, of course. But that wasn't the point.

The point was, Nymphadora Tonks was now standing in front of a mirror, making sure she had everything right. Well, as right as she could get it with Harry's vague instructions.

'" _Like me but much paler, with tidier hair and red eyes." Damn, Har, did you have to be so difficult about this?'_

Finally, she felt satisfied with her new appearance, and decided to go find the Headmaster to test it out.

On her way to the lounge room, where she knew the man was currently playing chess against Ron, she reread the letter that Hedwig had dropped on her face at about five that morning.

' _Dear Tonks,_

_Will send my official 'Dear Order' letter in a few hours time, so send Hedwig back immediately._

_I have a challenge for you._

_Please spend the day looking like me but much paler, with tidier hair and red eyes. Try to follow Dumbles around, when and where possible._

_Ta!_

_Love Harry'_

Tonks sighed and shook her head, not for the first time since receiving the letter. She just hoped that this would be worth it.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore felt that he was rather good at chess, on the whole. This is why he was feeling somewhat inadequate. Ronald Weasley was defeating him quite soundly.

He found himself wishing, desperately, for something to interrupt the game. He didn't think he would ever live down being beaten by a sixteen year old boy.

Albus later wished that he had just gracefully accepted this defeat, as it seemed as though his very thoughts had summoned such a disruption.

Ginny gave a startled shriek, gaining the attention of everyone else. She pointed to the doorway, where for a moment several people thought Harry was standing.

The boy in question stepped further into the room, eyes locked on the Headmaster. Albus's own eyes widened in horror as he realised exactly who this boy seemed to be. "Tom," he breathed.

Everyone else began staring in horror, Minerva and Moody even drew their wands.

Severus just raised an eyebrow at Remus, who was snickering somewhat uncontrollably on the couch. All eyes turned to him as he fell to the ground with a thud. For some reason he seemed to find this hilarious, his snickers turning to full blown laughter.

An annoyed sounding tap on the window was answered by Fred, and Hedwig quickly perched herself on Ginny's shoulder. The girl in question, recovered from her earlier shock, took the offered letter, read it, read it again and then giggled for a moment before reading it aloud.

"' _Dear Order,_

_I hope you're all enjoying Tommy's visit. You may be wondering where Tonks is. She's, uh, on holiday, for the day. Yeah._

_Gin, sorry if Tommy startled you. Just so you all know, he'll be following the Headmaster around today._

_Thanks 'Tommy'!_

_Love Harry.'"_

Albus Dumbledore finally began to wonder at the wisdom of leaving Harry Potter to his own devices all summer.

 


	6. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Demented Dove

_**Letter Six - "Please come to my funeral."** _

When Tonks had decided to continue wandering around Headquarters looking like Tom Riddle, Ginny had decided to pull out the camera that Colin had bought her for Christmas. She knew that Harry would appreciate seeing some of the scenes taking place, especially when Tonks grew tired of being male from the waist up and morphed her body back to normal while keeping her head as 'Tommy's'.

Even before that there had been some good shots of 'Tom Riddle' conversing quite amicably with the Headmaster, and one rather disturbing image of 'him' making out with Fred. Or George. They'd both kissed 'him', but Ginny wasn't quite sure which one she'd photographed.

At one point Ginny had even convinced Tonks to put on her bikini and pose for a shot. She was considering sending a copy to Voldemort.

Three days after it all began, dinner in Order Headquarters had been an incredibly quiet event, because everyone was expecting Harry's letter to arrive.

However, dinner had passed, it was after nine and eighteen individuals were beginning to worry.

"If it doesn't arrive, Mad-Eye and I can check on him in the morning," Kingsley stated. Dumbledore just nodded with a sigh.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yes, and if his letter gets here at midnight and wakes me up, then I'm going to kick his arse in the morning."

Hermione smacked him around the head, earning her a thankful smile from Molly, who couldn't have reached him. "Language, Ronald," she called across the room.

Fred gasped in mock outrage. "Who do you think you are, his mother?"

Molly glowered at him.

Everyone fell silent when a tapping was heard from the window. Neville let Hedwig inside, and she immediately flew over to Hermione's shoulder.

Hermione opened the letter, read it over, twitched slightly, rolled her eyes and then sighed. "Harry's finally lost his sanity."

Charlie looked genuinely surprised. "Harry had sanity?"

George snorted. "Of course not. What's the letter say, 'Mione?"

She handed it to him silently, and he read it aloud with a slightly dramatic flair.

"' _Dear Order,_

_Have died a tragic, terrible, messy death due to spontaneous self- combustion. Am writing this letter as a ghost. With my teeth. Quills taste funny. I would not recommend them as a snack._

_Please come to my funeral. Headmaster, you're not invited. Someone make sure that Voldie gets an invite, though._

_Am going to stop writing this letter now, because my jaw is aching, despite the fact that I'm a ghost. Hermione, don't poke logic-shaped holes in my reasoning._

_Love Harry'_."

"Albus, perhaps we should consider getting the boy some professional help," Minerva suggested, lips twitching. "I'm not sure a raving lunatic will be able to best Voldemort."

Severus snorted. "Voldemort himself is a raving lunatic; I don't see how Potter being one as well will in any way affect the outcome of the duel."

"Well, it might give Harry an advantage," Tonks said with a shrug. Albus twitched, as he had been prone to doing whenever Tonks spoke up unexpectedly – she was still using a male voice that sounded scarily similar to a young Tom Riddle. "Assuming Voldie believes Harry to be sane."

"Harry is as perfectly sane as I am," Luna declared dreamily, adjusting the hood of the glittery blue Death Eater cloak she was wearing.

Remus raised an eyebrow at her. "Luna, dear girl, you've raided Severus's closet, stolen one of his Death Eater robes, and convinced someone to turn it blue and cover it in glitter. No sane person would ever wear one of those robes voluntarily, they're awfully scratchy."

Luna pouted. "You think so little of me? I asked Miss Tommy to charm it to be more comfortable."

"Very sensible," Fred said sagely.

"I think our dear little Harry is just infinitely bored," George explained. "And a little crazy, yes. Perhaps we should do something to entertain him?"

"I'm afraid, Mr Weasley," Fred began in a grave voice, cutting off the Headmaster who had also begun with those very same words. "That we simply cannot risk it."

Dumbledore sat back in his chair and unwrapped a sherbet lemon with a faint, sulky frown.

George collapsed on the ground with a heartbroken wail of anguish.

 


	7. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Burnt Bird

_**Letter Seven – "Why did Dudley bring me back to life?"** _

It was five in the morning on the seventeenth of July, and despite the early hour, all eighteen occupants of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place were in the kitchen.

In fact, aside from Luna and the twins, they were all standing on the kitchen table.

Most of them were contemplating the day's mystery. Exactly how _had_ the entirety of Headquarters ended up flooded?

Hermione was glaring at the Headmaster as if the lack of logic were his fault. "Sir, how can this happen? Every room in the house, no matter which floor – not to mention the roof! They all have a covering of at least two feet of water on the ground! It doesn't make any sense!"

Dumbledore shifted slightly, trying to inch away from Hermione and _not_ knock Minerva from the table into the water. "I'm afraid that I have no answer for you, Miss Granger."

Water suddenly splashed up and showered down onto the occupants of the table, reminding them all of what had woken them so early. They all turned to glower at the culprits.

Luna, Fred and George had decided that the new floor covering would be best put to use as a makeshift swimming pool, and had even swum down the stairs, which were also covered in water.

"You know the part that disturbs me the most?" Kingsley sighed as he turned his gaze from the three and down into the water. "The goldfish."

Fred grinned up at him, grabbed one of the fish and waved it in a vaguely threatening manner. The fish immediately began to struggle, and George smacked his brother's head, causing Fred to drop it.

"Very mature, boys," Bill said dryly.

"At least they aren't trying to –" Charlie cut himself off as George started trying to shove one of the poor goldfish down the back of Fred's t-shirt. "Never mind."

Molly opened her mouth to scold her sons for their animal cruelty, but didn't bother as she noticed that Luna was opening the window for Hedwig.

Hedwig quickly flew over to George and dropped the letter from Harry on his head. She then dove downwards, caught a goldfish in her talons and flew back out the window with a self-satisfied hoot.

Everyone stared after her until Ginny remembered that there was a letter to be read, and so threw a fork at George to remind _him_ of that little fact.

George opened the slightly damp envelope, shook the letter open and read it with even more dramatic flair than he had used three days before.

"' _Dear Order,_

_I have now become a malformed skunk. Yes, skunk. Because someone forgot to tell Dudley Dursley that he is not a necromancer._

_I am slightly confused. Why did Dudley bring me back to life?_

_Never mind._

_Love Harry_

_PS. I could really use a glass of water. Got any to spare?'_ "

Ignoring the fact that Harry was evidently becoming more and more insane by the second, Remus decided to address what he felt was the most pressing matter in the letter. "Harry had something to do with this, I just _know_ it!"

Severus turned and raised an eyebrow at the man over the heads of Neville and Hermione. "You are sounding disturbingly like me this morning, Remus."

Remus shrugged. "I'm right though, and I know you agree with me. Somehow, Harry caused this."

"It _could_ just be a coincidence," Tonks offered doubtfully. No one missed Dumbledore's small sigh of relief that the woman had given up all traces of Tom Riddle the day before. "Maybe he was just really thirsty?"

Moody snorted. "You believe that about as much as I do, girl, and we all know that I'm the suspicious type."

"Really?" Luna asked, wide-eyed. Her affected innocence was ruined slightly by the fact that she was corralling goldfish between her hands and herding them in circles. Moody just glared at her.

Minerva sighed and gave up on her dignity and being relatively dry, stepping down into the water to join the three teenagers. "Whether Harry is to blame for this or not, there really isn't much we can do to him currently. I suggest we focus on attempting to drain the building."

"And then once we've achieved that," Arthur added. "We can see about disabusing Harry of this notion that he's a zombie-skunk."

 


	8. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Distinctly Dead Dodo

_**Letter Eight – "Feel the melodrama, people!"** _

It had taken three days to drain the House of Black, dry everything off and discover what had happened to the goldfish (Luna and Neville had bribed Kingsley into conjuring several large fish tanks to house their new pets. Both had then vanished from the cleaning attempts as they were too busy trying to name their fish).

And yet, despite all the work that had gone into righting the situation, no one had yet managed to discover how it had happened. The majority of the inhabitants of the house were of the firm opinion that Harry was somehow to blame, and Luna, Fred, George and Tonks, as the ones believed most likely to be conspiring with him, were all questioned thoroughly.

For once, all four were entirely innocent (of that particular prank, at least) and the questioning was widened to everyone under fifty, not including Severus. After all, everyone knew that there was no way Severus would be helping Harry with _anything_ , let alone pranks. Also, he was the one doing most of the questioning.

Still, no culprits were found. Eventually Dumbledore even questioned Minerva, Arthur, Molly and Moody (and Moody questioned him). After that, even Severus was interrogated thoroughly.

By the time those three days had passed, everyone had pretty much given up on finding out how Harry had pranked them, or at the very least, _known_ about the prank.

But because everyone had been so preoccupied, there had been no time to attempt to speak to Harry about his apparent skunkdom.

The morning that they were awaiting Harry's next letter at the breakfast table, Luna and Neville were the last to join them.

Charlie, who was a closet romantic and also somewhat of a conspiracy theorist, gave them a sly grin. "So, where have _you_ been?"

Neville blushed at the implication, but rolled his eyes as he sat down. "Not wherever you think I've been."

"We've been in the fish room," Luna said, voice deadpan. "The difficult task that we have undertaken is almost complete."

Ron raised an eyebrow at Neville. "Difficult task?"

The other boy snorted. "I'd like to see _you_ name seventy-nine fish."

Everyone stared.

"Surely you can't tell them apart?" Tonks asked incredulously. No one really heard the question Remus asked at the same time, which had been "didn't you start with eighty?"

"Of course we can," Luna refuted. Her voice still held no inflection, and it was gaining her odd looks from a few of the others. "Of course, the task of naming them became a little less tiresome when Sushi ate Squishy the First. The name Squishy became available again, you see. Therefore we bestowed the name upon Squishy the Second."

Thankfully, everyone was saved from commenting upon this when Hedwig flew through the window, and Remus found himself silently thanking Harry as he relieved Hedwig of the letter. She remained perched on his shoulder for a few moments until he realised _why_ she was still there and gave her some bacon.

Hedwig then soared back out the window while Remus read the letter. He blinked several times, shook his head rather violently, and tried again. No, it had not been a figment of his imagination. He sighed and reread it aloud to the astonished ears of his housemates.

"' _Dear Order,_

_Have decided to stop making such a fuss about being an ex-ghost malformed skunk. I get the feeling that perhaps you don't all believe me to be telling the truth._

_Instead, I shall angst. Feel the melodrama, people!_

_Oh woe is me! Oh woe is me! I used to have a Hamster Tree! But it was eaten by a newt, and now I have no cuddly fruit! Oh woe is me! Oh woe is me! I used to have a Hamster Tree!_

_Insert more angst and melodrama here. I am far too busy with my Potions essay to be emo any longer._

_Love Harry'_ "

"Potions essay?" Severus said weakly. "He's actually doing his _potions essay_?"

Luna snatched the letter from Remus and read the 'Hamster Tree' paragraph out again, singing it to the tune of 'O Christmas Tree'. She still managed to keep her voice expressionless, though.

"Well, at least he's over the zombie skunk thing," Tonks said in a falsely bright voice. "That's a good thing, right?"

"Is it just me, or is he getting more insane with each letter?" Ginny mused.

"It's just you," Luna said flatly.

"Ignore Luna," Hermione sighed. "He's getting even more insane, somehow."

"Evidently so," Severus murmured. The man had been visibly shaken by what he thought was irrefutable proof that Harry needed to be removed from the Dursleys immediately. "This is _Harry Potter_ we're talking about! He shouldn't be doing his _potions essay_! It violates the natural order of things!"

"There, there, Professor," Luna comforted, voice still blank. "If it makes you feel better, Neville and I will name one of the fish after you. Perhaps one of the Siamese fighting fish."

In no way did this make Severus feel better, and so he left the table for his potions lab and some therapeutic brewing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hamster tree song borrowed with love from Clive Barker's Abarat


	9. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Mechanical Magpie

_**Letter Nine – "I think you get the idea."** _

Minerva McGonagall woke up at nine am on the twenty-third of July and immediately felt that she was going to have an unusually irritating day.

It took her a few minutes to work out what could have caused this feeling, and then after realising that Harry's letter was due, she acknowledged the more immediate annoyance.

There was a twin in her room.

After several moments of covert observation, as the twin in question hadn't yet realised that she was awake, she concluded that it was Fred. She also concluded that whatever he was up to, it needed to be stopped immediately.

" _Fred Weasley_!" she snapped, causing Fred to give a rather girlish scream, leap backwards and fall over a chair, landing with his head stuck under her bed.

Minerva sighed and peered down at the visible part of the teen. "What on _earth_ are you doing?"

"I promise you, Professor," he assured her in a muffled voice. "This isn't what it looks like. Er, unless you thought that it looked as though I was sneaking around your room in order to find classified information such as the general location and placement of the furniture in here, in which case it _is_ what it looks like. Um. Is it safe to take my head out?"

"Why would it not be?"

"Well…are you going to turn it into a pumpkin?"

"I highly doubt it."

"Are you going to perform any other kinds of disfiguring transfiguration?"

"I shall resist the urge."

"Thank you. I think." Fred extricated his head and stood quickly. "I'll just get out of your hair then, Professor…"

"You do that," she sighed. Then she frowned. "Wait."

Fred froze with one foot halfway out the door. "Meep?"

" _Why_ were you investigating my furniture, Weasley?" she demanded.

He cleared his throat and looked sheepish. "Well, we were sort of planning a prank, George and me, but now I guess there's no point…sorry…"

Minerva sighed again. "I see. All right, get out. I wish to get dressed. Your punishment will be decided later."

Fred blanched and nodded somewhat frantically. "Yes, yes, of course, leaving now." He turned to continue out the door but paused. "Also, Professor, I'd just like to say that I'm very impressed with how intimidating you can be when you're in your bed wearing a green tartan nightgown."

" _Out_ , _Weasley_!"

"I'm gone!"

* * *

Harry's letter arrived at the end of breakfast, somewhere between the beginning of the fight between Ron and George over the last pancake and the announcement from Luna that the final fish had, after much deliberation, been named Strawberry Cupcake Kitty-Cat.

Minerva, much like everyone else at the table (barring Ron and George), forgot the letter momentarily in order to stare at the unrepentant Luna and the somewhat embarrassed Neville.

She was soon reminded of the letter's presence by the arguing Weasley boys suddenly falling silent. She turned her eyes to them as she picked the envelope up off the table and realised that Hedwig had taken it upon herself to settle their dilemma and was currently tearing the pancake up into more manageable shreds before eating them.

Shaking her head, Minerva opened the letter.

 _Dear Order,_  
  
I have a question for you regarding the end of summer and my return to Hogwarts.

_Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?_

_I think you get the idea._

_Are we there yet?_

_Love Harry_

_PS. Are we there yet?_

Minerva's eye began to twitch and she handed the letter over to Severus in silence. It was slowly passed around the table, evoking the occasional snort of laughter or eye-roll.

Eventually, Dumbledore read the letter and, as the last person to do so, merely set it down before turning to the others with a mild frown. "Do you think that perhaps Harry is somewhat bored?"

There was a loud thud as at least five people slammed their heads onto the table.

 


	10. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Memory-Challenged Chicken

_**Letter Ten – "Feel free to lord it over Hermione all you want."** _

The fact that they hadn't anticipated it in the least was ridiculous. They _should_ have, really, because they all knew that Harry had a bizarre and perverse sense of humour, and that he sometimes took a bad joke too far.

It was very early on what promised to be a very beautiful Friday morning, and many occupants of Grimmauld Place were waking up earlier than usual because the house seemed too hot.

"There is sand in my pants," Ginny muttered, still half asleep. Hermione and Luna opened their eyes for the first time that day to stare at her. Well, Hermione did.

"Mine too," was Luna's response as she leaned over the side of her bed. Hermione shifted her attention from Ginny to the blonde, wondering what she was doing.

After several minutes, Ginny got out of her bed and headed into the adjoining bathroom, returning moments later with a glass of water that she emptied over Luna's rather sad-looking sandcastle. "It'll never work without water, Luna."

"Oh, why thank you, Ginny. I appreciate your assistance."

Hermione just continued to stare from her bed as the two younger girls, Luna still leaning down and Ginny kneeling on the floor, began constructing a small fortress.

* * *

Minerva, Molly, Arthur and Albus were seated silently at the kitchen table drinking tea and doing their absolute best to ignore the desert that the house had transformed into.

Eventually, Molly broke the silence. "Well, at least the house isn't filled with fish, or any other creatures."

"As far as we've been able to determine as of yet, at least," Minerva said darkly.

Arthur opened his mouth to speak, but never got the chance, as Severus stormed into the kitchen looking utterly homicidal, a worried Remus on his heels.

"What has happened?" Albus inquired. He and the others watched curiously as Severus began brewing coffee.

Severus just growled in response and started searching through the drawers for something.

Albus, Minerva, Molly and Arthur turned as one to Remus, who was hovering halfway between the doorway and Severus and seemingly torn between amusement and horror.

"Remus?" Molly prompted after several moments.

Remus cleared his throat and gave them an awkward, tense smile. "I'm afraid that Severus had an…unpleasant…surprise when he awoke this morning."

"Go on," Arthur encouraged.

He opened his mouth to do just that, but it snapped shut again when Severus pulled a _very_ large knife out of the bottom drawer and began moving towards him with a triumphant smirk.

Molly let out a startled shriek, worried that Severus was about to attempt murder.

Remus just sighed and stood his ground. "No, Severus."

The potions master stopped moving, but continued to hold the knife out in front of him. "Remus…"

"I can understand your displeasure, Severus, but I _do_ think that your current actions are a _tad_ too extreme."

Severus seemed about to begin a long rant regarding exactly why he was _not_ acting extremely and that his actions were _completely_ justified, but Kingsley, Charlie and Bill walked into the kitchen at that point, all looking utterly confused.

"Severus," Kingsley began, apparently not even noticing the overly large knife being wielded by the man. "Do you happen to know _why_ there's a camel in your room?"

"Because I'm having camel fillets for breakfast," Severus replied flatly, lifting his knife meaningfully. "Now if you'd all get out of my way, _Remus_ , I would like to get on with preparing my meal."

"I…see…" Bill murmured. "Actually, that's a lie, I don't see."

Remus rolled his eyes, stepped forwards and stole the knife from Severus, tossing it carelessly to the other side of the kitchen, where it embedded itself in the wall.

Everyone stared at it.

"Severus, _sit down_."

Not being entirely stupid, despite his immense rage, Severus did so, attempting to conceal a wince.

"What happened to you?" Charlie asked, perhaps unwisely.

Severus twitched.

"The camel bit him," Remus explained shortly. "Now he's cranky."

* * *

Ron woke up in the living room, noticed that it seemed to resemble a desert, saw Tonks, Fred, George, Neville and Moody all asleep at various points around the room, and wondered what the hell had been slipped into his pumpkin juice last night.

The others awoke slowly, aided by Hermione dragging Ginny and Luna down the stairs and scolding them loudly for, apparently, not checking the sand they were playing with carefully enough.

"How were _we_ supposed to know the stuff was infested with scorpions?" Ginny protested.

Hermione continued her lecture as everyone else joined them from the kitchen and sat down, with the exception of Severus who loomed by the doorway menacingly and glowered up the staircase whenever he thought Remus wasn't paying attention.

Finally, once everyone was as comfortable as they could be with the copious amounts of sand in various obscure places, it seemed as though the semi-regular meeting about 'what the hell happened to the house _this_ time' was ready to start.

However, Hedwig flew through the open window and perched on the back of the chair Luna had claimed, offering up her letter.

Luna took it calmly, dusted off some rather suspicious sand, read it, smiled, and pocketed it.

There was a collective twitch from everyone else.

Severus, never exactly patient at the best of times and currently in a somewhat testy mood, strode over to the blonde and held out a hand pointedly.

Luna smiled up at him. "Can I help you, Professor?"

"Letter. Now."

Deciding not to risk the man's wrath for the moment, Luna handed it over.

Severus read it. Severus then quite calmly handed it to the nearest person who was not Luna, walked over to a wall and slammed his head into it. Remus pulled him away and shoved him onto a couch.

Ron looked at the letter he was now holding, shrugged, and read it aloud to sate everyone else's curiosity.

"' _Dear Order,_

_Are we there yet? Oops, wait, sorry, wrong letter. Been there, done that. Terribly sorry, I'm a tad distracted._

_You see, I now have irrefutable proof that Crumple-Horned Snorkacks do, in fact, exist. There is one perched on my head._

_Luna, I will never doubt you again. Feel free to lord it over Hermione all you want._

_If I ever find my camera, I will take a photo. If not, I will just bring the Snorkack with me to Hogwarts._

_Wow, all this excitement is leaving me a little parched. It's almost like being in a desert. You know the feeling?_

_Are we there ye – damn, that's a surprisingly hard habit to kick!_

_Love Harry_

_PS. For future reference, am still alive.'_ "

It was Molly who managed to sum up what everyone was feeling in just two words.

"Oh dear."

 


	11. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Catastrophically Confused Cockatoo

_**Letter Eleven – "Ah, pets are such troublesome things."** _

The sand was far more difficult to get rid of than the water had been, and they were still finding scorpions in the strangest of places (including Bill's cereal and Albus's beard).

Nevertheless, the atmosphere at Grimmauld Place on the 29th of July was surprisingly cheerful. After all, though they still had a few traces of the desert left, and though Severus was in a remarkably foul mood, and though it was late afternoon and they had yet to hear from Harry, the day itself had been wonderfully uneventful.

Albus, for reasons that no one else could possibly guess at or explain, had decided to hold a vote on whether or not the 29th had been a good day. The results of this had been confusing, as despite Severus's obvious dissatisfaction with it, the outcome had been unanimous.

After Minerva had counted the vote slips and found one missing there had been a house-wide hunt, as Severus remained adamant that he had handed in his slip voting against the day.

Much later, Ron discovered a much chewed voting slip on his pillow and immediately knew who the culprit had been. However, he chose not to reveal his findings as he realised that Severus would just use it as an excuse.

Severus, of course, knew perfectly well who had been at fault in the misplacement of his vote. Normally this would not especially bother him, as he honestly couldn't care less about one of Albus's crackpot surveys.

However, as Severus had experienced four relatively unpleasant days, and as they had all been unpleasant for the same reason, he vowed to do something about it.

Ron, on the other hand, knew perfectly well that Severus would be out for blood (again), and resolved to thwart him at every turn.

As a result, Grimmauld Place was thrown into a chaos that could not have been more destructive if Harry himself were behind it.

* * *

By nine o'clock that night, the Order and students had been divided into four factions.

The first of these was led by Severus, and had been named (by Fred) the Anti-Elmer Squad.

Severus had not originally intended to involve any others in his vendetta against the camel that Ron had adopted after the desert incident. But Moody had developed an intense dislike of the creature after it had eaten his toast, and had joined Severus the moment he got wind of the younger wizard's plans.

As far as Severus could tell, Fred, Ginny and Tonks had merely taken his side in order to cause mayhem.

The second faction, of course, was the Defenders of the Camel. Ron had taken action in recruiting people to his cause the moment he had found the voting slip. Hermione had, as usual, been more than willing to defend an 'innocent' being from suffering unfairly, and Bill had developed an affinity for camels during his time in Egypt.

Remus, it seemed, merely wanted to annoy Severus, and George had declared upon joining that he and Fred had chosen to take opposing sides 'just for laughs'.

The third faction was a neutral party, and consisted of Albus, Arthur, Minerva and Molly. The four of them had seated themselves in the kitchen and were consuming copious amounts of tea, which had led to Moody snarkily dubbing them the Tea Club on his way through the kitchen (none of them had missed seeing the pepper he had grabbed on his way past the bench).

The fourth faction would have never existed if Luna had chosen to take a side in the Great Camel Debacle. As she did not, she began to feel left out of the action and created he own side, the Religious Squirrels, to generate senseless anarchy.

She recruited Neville and Charlie to her cause, despite their protests and initial attempts to remain neutral. After the third explosion (the second caused by the Religious Squirrels), Kingsley had slipped out of the kitchen, abandoning his half-full cup of tea, and joined them of his own free will.

* * *

By ten o'clock, the Tea Club were astonished that the house was still basically in one piece, and a temporary ceasefire had been agreed upon by Severus and Ron. The two of them had led their weary teams into the kitchen and begun helping themselves to the tea – though both sides were shooting each other constant suspicious looks as they did so.

Luna and her Religious Squirrel group were nowhere to be seen. Charlie had appeared several minutes after the Anti-Elmer Squad and the Defenders of the Camel had sat down, in order to announce, "The Religious Squirrels have taken possession of the top two floors of the house, and we plan to base our future operations from Mad-Eye's bedroom, so he and anyone else on those floors might want to find somewhere else to sleep. Also, Neville wanted me to remind Ron to feed Elmer, Kingsley wants a cheese sandwich, and could someone please feed the inhabitants of Luna and Neville's ridiculously large aquarium room, because it's on the first floor and that's Anti-Elmer territory."

Charlie then proceeded to collapse dramatically on the floor, gasping for breath.

Ron peered at him from the other end of the kitchen. "Elmer's been fed. Are you all right?"

His brother lifted a hand and attempted to wave reassuringly. It ended with a rather pathetic flop.

"I'll take care of the fish," Tonks offered. Ginny choked on her tea.

"Uh, maybe _I_ should take care of that?" the younger girl offered. "No offence, Tonks, but…"

Tonks chuckled wryly. "Good point. I wouldn't want to have to face Luna and Neville if I damaged any of their precious fish."

"Especially Severus," Ginny agreed, eyes twinkling deviously.

" _Especially_ Severus," Tonks agreed fervently, grinning.

Severus growled a little at the mention of his small blue namesake, but couldn't muster the energy to complain about the mutinous words of his subordinates.

Silence reigned in the kitchen as the two groups drank their tea and rested. Charlie remained prone on the floor until Molly leaned down and deposited a platter of cheese sandwiches by his nose.

He twitched a little at the scent and his stomach grumbled loudly.

Molly snorted. "Go on, take those upstairs and share them, before Kingsley starts gnawing chair legs. I know how that man can get when he doesn't get his cheese sandwiches…"

There was a collective shudder. _Everyone_ knew how Kingsley could get when deprived of cheese sandwiches – and it wasn't pretty.

Charlie heaved himself to his feet, retrieved the sandwiches from the floor and retreated to the Religious Squirrel's HQ.

The kitchen fell into silence as everyone drank their tea, besides Molly who was making more sandwiches for the rest of them.

It was at this point, of course, that a rather tired looking Hedwig flew through the window. No one even bothered to move, and Severus allowed her to perch on his shoulder without even a token attempt to shoo her elsewhere.

He didn't even remove Harry's letter until he had taken his first sandwich from the plate Molly put in the middle of the table. Chewing slowly, he untied it and fed Hedwig half of it. She seemed unduly grateful.

Being exhausted, he chose to read the letter silently, and no one protested until he dropped it on the table and began attempting to strangle the air in front of him. Hedwig took flight, heading further into the house.

Remus reached across the table and took possession of the letter, and unlike Severus, read it aloud.

"' _Dear Order,_

_Good morning, all!_

_My Snorkack, Hubert, is a crafty little critter. Very inventive. Loves to dig._

_Sorry if this letter arrives later than usual. I'm a little further away than I should be. Don't worry, I haven't left Privet Drive. Well, I don't think I have._

_You see, like I said, Hubert loves to dig. He's digging a bottomless pit in the Dursley's front yard, and I'm afraid that I've fallen in._

_Don't worry, as soon as she's done bringing you this letter, Hedwig is going to bring me some more rope – just like she brought me this parchment and my quill. I just hope that she remembers to attach it to something first this time…_

_Ah, pets are such troublesome things. I hope you're all enjoying the company of all the animals in Headquarters with you._

_Love Harry_

_PS. My birthday is in two days. I expect gifts. Shiny ones. I also plan to celebrate. Alcohol here I come…'_ "

They were all silent until Hedwig flew past them and back out the window, a coil of thin rope clutched in her talons.

Arthur very slowly placed his tea down on the table. "Now, I don't want to sound like I'm crazy, but…do you think it's possible that…he's _serious_?"

"Well, he'll be legally allowed to drink alcohol as a wizard once he's sixteen, I don't see any reason he would joke about such a thing," Luna said from the doorway. "And everyone likes shiny things."

"I'm sending him a polished spoon," Ron decided. "That's shiny."

"I'll send him a camel ear," Severus growled half-heartedly. Ron glared at him feebly.

"Not that, Luna, the Snorkack and the bottomless pit," Hermione corrected.

Luna gave her a look of genuine surprise, and lowered the cheese sandwich she was holding without taking a bite. "Why, of course he's serious. I have never known Harry to kid about such a serious matter."

Not even Hermione had the energy to enter into a debate about Snorkacks with Luna Lovegood that night, and so Luna collected a second platter of cheese sandwiches and a jug of pumpkin juice before retreating once more to, presumably, Moody's bedroom.

 


	12. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Overly Inebriated Owl

_**Letter Twelve – "Ow."** _

A temporary truce had been called over the next two days in order for everyone to organize the procuration of birthday presents, wrap them (or have someone else wrap them, in several cases), and send them off into the darkness.

On Harry's sixteenth birthday the Anti-Elmer Squad and the Defenders of the Camel resumed warfare and the Tea Club reclaimed the kitchen. Leadership of the Religious Squirrels had been transferred from Luna to Kingsley, and Molly was making sure that all three factions received regular deliveries of sandwiches and pumpkin juice.

Luna, having abandoned the Religious Squirrels early on in the day, had taken to sitting mysteriously still in the corner of the kitchen and staring blankly at the wall with a vague smirk. Occasionally, she would chuckle. When asked, she had assured the Tea Club that she was 'quite fine, thank you', and seeing as she was eating regularly and taking bathroom breaks they let her be.

The next day Luna rejoined the Religious Squirrels just in time to assist with a raid on the Defenders of the Camel that nearly resulted in Elmer being camel-napped. Luckily Bill intercepted Charlie and Neville just in time to prevent them making off with the animal and the Squirrels were forced to retreat. Luna chose to have Kingsley remain their leader, as he was having entirely too much fun to give up the position without, as she put it, 'sulking away the rest of the war'.

At around seven that evening, Molly enlisted the rest of the Tea Club to assist her in locating everyone in the building and bringing them into the kitchen for 'a proper dinner' (using force, if necessary).

No one bothered to protest too much (except Kingsley, who would have been more than happy with his cheese sandwiches, and Severus, just on principle) and by eight thirty they were all seated around the kitchen table, on which was more vegetables and roasted meat than they would possibly be able to eat. Many of them suspected that Molly was going to be sending them leftovers instead of sandwiches during the following day's warfare.

Hedwig flew into the room in a decidedly odd manner and crash-landed in a bowl of mashed potatoes in an Errol-like fashion. Ginny rescued both her and Harry's letter, handing the latter to Ron and taking Hedwig to the sink.

Ron reluctantly put his fork down, swallowed his mouthful and opened the letter, beginning to read as Ginny attempted to rinse the worst of the potato off Hedwig.

"' _Dear Order,_

_Ow. My head. Harry no like hangover._

_Love Harry.'_ "

"That's it?" Fred demanded, staring at Ron in astonishment.

George looked highly affronted. "He didn't even say thank you!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "I was taking a break, calm down." He quickly ate a few mouthfuls, choked, and had to be rescued by Mad-Eye.

"Chew your food, laddie," the auror growled.

Once Ron had fully recovered, he resumed reading Harry's letter.

"' _PS. Ron, thanks for the soup spoon. It's very shiny. Snape, no thanks for the voodoo camel. You have serious issues. Stop picking on Elmer.'_ Hey, how does Harry know about Elmer?"

"I am of the belief that he had been behind all of the strange happenings here this summer," Severus said dryly.

"Yes, but you also believe Harry is behind overpriced potions ingredients, global warming, and that door," Remus said, gesturing to the basement door on the other side of the kitchen.

Severus did not strangle Remus. He thought he was being very restrained. Luna began smirking at the wall again.

Ron cleared his throat, apparently ignoring the mystery of Harry's knowledge of Elmer for the time being. " _'Fred, George, I'm sure you're both falling off the edge of your seats in anticipation…so I'll thank you guys last. Ha.'_ "

Fred and George, never ones to turn down a challenge, both fell off the edge of their seats. George managed to flip a forkful of peas at Minerva in the same move, and was rewarded by a rainfall of carrots. Albus averted Fred's attempt at avenging his twin and stopped the emerging food fight in its tracks. As the twins clambered back onto their chairs the Headmaster gestured for Ron to continue reading.

"' _Molly, Arthur, thanks for the cake and pies and candy and vegetables and…other food…and for the disco ball. It looks great in my current location.'_ "

Ron looked up and stared at his parents in shock. "Disco ball?"

Molly blushed slightly and gave Arthur a reproachful look, at which he smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "It's shiny, and he seems to like it."

Rolling his eyes once more, Ron resumed reading. " _'Professor McGonagall, I really appreciate you going to the trouble of buying my schoolbooks this year. I'd attempt to pay you back but I_ read _the note you wrote in my Transfiguration text, so I'll just be grateful and say thank you and keep my spleen right where it is.'_ "

Minerva's smile was smug and not a little vindictive, but she didn't speak and no one dared to ask exactly what her note to Harry had contained.

"' _Sherbet lemons, shiny socks, a cake and a new set of robes…thanks, Headmaster. I will make use of everything you sent me – I'll eat the sweets and cake, I'll wear the socks, and I'll use these robes as a defence against Death Eaters someday – because_ no one _can see electric blue robes with pineapples and bananas on them and remain unscarred.'_ " Ron shuddered. "I can't even _imagine_ them and remain unscarred," he moaned.

"It is a truly terrifying image," Luna said gravely, still staring at the wall.

No one but Albus disagreed, and he merely murmured something about no one understanding his fashion sense these days (" _What_ sense?" Mad-Eye scoffed) before waving a hand at Ron.

"' _Hermione, this new copy of Hogwarts: A History is fantastic – you realise that Ron and I have never read it before simply because you never let it out of your clutches, right? Now I can finally discover why you like it so much…has it got dirty pictures in it? Is that why?'_ " By the time he finished reading that paragraph Ron was shaking with barely-contained laughter.

His brothers, Ginny and Neville had no such restraint – Fred and George fell off their chairs once more, while Bill and Charlie were slapping each other on the back. Neville was bright red but still laughing, and Ginny was snickering as well – though more at the outraged expression on Hermione's face than at Harry's words.

Hermione sputtered near-incoherently in an attempt to deny such 'heinous accusations' against her personal bible, and eventually worked her way to a full sentence, directed at Ron. "I don't _really_ prevent you two from reading it, do I?"

Ron answered reluctantly. "Well…you've never offered to lend either of us your copy. And that one time I tried to borrow it you yanked it out of my hands and hit me over the head with it, which, by the way, _hurt_."

"You tried to borrow it? The only time I remember hitting you with _Hogwarts: A History_ was when you tried to steal it while I was reading it…"

"You were raving about this one section, I just wanted to see!"

She gaped at him. "I thought you were going to throw it out a _window_!"

They stared at each other in shocked silence for a few moments before Hermione began giggling and Ron's hold over his laughter broke at this apparent misunderstanding. Eventually Ron calmed himself, the twins reclaimed their seats once more and everyone settled down to pay attention.

"' _Ooh, shiny…a shiny plant! Thanks Neville, you'll have to tell me all about it next time you see me. I'm sure that you have more information than what you put in your accompanying note.'_ A shiny _plant_ , Neville?"

Neville shrugged, still slightly red. "It has healing properties."

"Certainly something Potter will be able to make use of," Severus said.

Ron nodded amicably and returned his eyes to the letter. " _'Bill – love the pyramid pyjamas, particularly the way they twirl so hypnotically and send you right to slee…'_ "

Tonks snickered. "Well that will solve any insomnia he may be experiencing."

Bill grinned. "Plus they're red, so with the little gold pyramids they're very house-oriented."

Severus gave a disgusted snort.

"'… _Okay, I'm back. Charlie, these dragon-hide gloves are the most awesome gloves I have ever owned, thanks!'_ "

"Sewed them myself," Charlie said with a straight face. Ginny, Molly and Bill knew better and laughed at him.

"' _Ginny, Tonks, I love you. This is the most fantastically hilarious collection of photographs I have ever seen. I really like the 'Tommy in bikini', 'Tommy Snogging Twin', 'Tommy Flirting with Many Weasley Males in Drag', and 'Tommy Doing Laundry in McGonagall's Green Tartan Dressing Gown' in particular.'_ "

Ginny and Tonks grinned.

Kingsley frowned. "Wait, wait. Is that Tommy in drag or Weasley males in drag?"

Five Weasley males went bright red. Arthur chuckled and answered for them. "Weasley males in drag. It was…entertaining to watch, to say the least."

"What kind of father are you?" Fred asked while George gave a scandalised gasp.

Arthur gave him a steady look. "One who's spent over eighteen years raising _you two_ , which gives me every right to make fun of you mercilessly."

"Touché, Dad," they chorused.

Ron took a drink of water before he spoke, half wishing he had given the letter to someone else – _they_ were all still able to eat. " _'Thanks for the hipflask, Mad-Eye, and thanks even more for filling it up. Ultimate thanks for sending those hangover potions as well – they were put to very good use.'_ "

Molly probably would have read Mad-Eye the riot act for giving Harry alcohol, but the ex-Auror had evidently foreseen her reaction and Silenced her before she had the chance. Ron actually sighed in relief.

"' _Kingsley…um. Thanks for the cheese sandwich? It was great. And thanks for the new trunk; my old one just wasn't cool anymore.'_ "

Everyone took a moment to raise an eyebrow or two at Kingsley, who shrugged. "Cheese sandwiches are good for the soul."

Ron shook his head slowly. " _'Ah, Remus, what can I say? That is possibly the shiniest feather boa in existence, and it frightens me that you say it used to belong to Sirius. My father's sparkly shoes are no better. Are you trying to traumatise me? ...but thanks for the chocolate and my mother's locket. Insert sappy sentimental hug and tears here.'_ "

Remus seemed torn between a mischievous cackle and a rather teary smile. It made for an interesting facial expression.

Molly smiled gently at him and patted him on the shoulder.

Severus, on the other hand, stared at him in horror. "Was it… _that_ feather boa?"

"Yes, Severus, yes it was," Remus admitted, almost smirking.

With a shudder, Severus turned to Ron. "Keep reading, Weasley, and assist me in blocking the existence of that monstrosity out of my memory once more."

"Gladly. _'Luna…nice robe. I bet this is what all the fashionable Death Eaters are wearing this season.'_ "

"Lovegood, did you send Potter my robe?"

"Indeed I did. You instructed me to never return it to your possession; as such I determined that it would be sufficiently shiny to appease Harry's wishes."

Severus shrugged. "Fair enough."

"Can I finish? Thank you. _'Thanks, all. Love Harry, again.'_ "

"That's it?" George shrieked, grabbing Fred dramatically.

"Are we truly that unloved?" Fred asked shakily, clutching onto George's arm.

Ron chuckled. "Fine, fine, I'll stop torturing you. _'PPS. Oh all right, Fred, George, I didn't forget you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my slightly tipsy heart, for the firewhisky, the enchanted singing mice, the magical bubble-wrap, the Gryffindor coloured potions set (which I will definitely be using if I get into Snape's potions class), the plethora of fake wands and, most of all, for the owl-cohol. Hedwig loves the stuff. I hope I won't have to send her to AAA meetings._

_Third time's the charm, Love Harry,'._ "

Molly was still unable to speak, but attempted to launch herself across the table to throttle her sons. Arthur held her back, pointing out that Harry _was_ of age now, after all, and at least he had Mad-Eye's hangover potions. This did little to appease Molly.

Severus was twitching at the very thought of red and gold potions equipment, and most likely at the thought of Harry making it into his class as well (he had, in fact, done so, but Severus had been trying to repress that fact until the beginning of term).

Finally Ginny asked the question that was on most of their minds. "What's AAA?"

"Avian Alcoholics Anonymous," Luna, Fred and George answered.

Hedwig's hoot sounded embarrassed from where she was perched on the dish rack, attempting to finish cleaning and drying her feathers. Ginny petted her head sympathetically.

Kingsley sighed. "I'm not sure that Harry is the only disturbed one of you lot."

Fred and George feigned insult. Luna merely giggled at the wall.

 


	13. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Terminally Tardy Toucan

_**Letter Thirteen - "Hello again."** _

In the aftermath of Harry's birthday letter, the war between the Defenders of the Camel, the Anti-Elmer Squad, and the Religious Squirrels seemed to lose importance to those involved. It helped that Hermione had realised all of a sudden that she had been neglecting her summer homework (and that none of the other students in residence had so much as looked at theirs), and had taken it upon herself to End Things that very afternoon.

As a result, Elmer was safely confined to a locked room two floors away from Severus' bedroom, Kingsley had been given a big platter of cheese sandwiches to appease his disappointment at the fun ending, and Severus was assured that Elmer could not escape (Dumbledore and Moody had cast the locking spells themselves).

Life at Grimmauld Place quickly returned for what passed for normal, and remained that way until the next morning, an hour or so before lunch.

Severus was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee because the tea supply was running dangerously low, when Moody sat heavily in a chair across the table from him and regarded him seriously.

After a few moments of silence, Severus sighed and looked up, meeting the man's gaze and raising an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"I think you might be onto something, Snape."

Severus blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"About Potter being in the house."

"I've said no such thing, Moody. The boy couldn't possibly be here without our knowing." Severus gave the man a pointed look. " _You_ surely would have spotted him by now."

Moody shook his head and banged his hand on the table. "Lupin said just the other day that you believed Potter to be behind the basement door," he growled.

Severus sighed. "You can't believe everything you hear from Remus, Mad-Eye. In fact, you can rest assured that if it pertains to what I do or not believe in regards to Potter, it is in fact untrue."

Moody grumbled to himself, but didn't reply, and moments later took his leave.

Severus should have known that wouldn't be the end of things.

By the next day, Moody had managed to convince the two oldest Weasley boys, Tonks, and even Minerva, that Harry was somewhere within the walls of Grimmauld Place.

Fred and George, overhearing the conversation, had decided that Moody meant that Harry was literally in the walls, and had taken to knocking on them at random moments, calling out to Harry. Needless to say, they had not received any response.

Ron had attempted to join the search, even though he doubted that Harry was anywhere but Little Whinging, but Hermione had instantly cottoned onto his plan to avoid his homework and had dragged him back to the kitchen by his ear.

The only other person who was involved in the search was Kingsley, who had confided to the former Tea Club that though he didn't believe Moody's theory that Harry was hiding in the house, he missed the adventure of the Camel War and just wanted in on the fun.

Kingsley also confided in the Tea Club (and consequently the five school age members of the household, who had spread their homework over more than half of the kitchen table) that he suspected that something had happened to Moody's magical eye – surely the search would have been moot had the eye been working.

Albus had seemed highly amused at Kingsley's suspicions, though if he knew Kingsley was wrong or perhaps he knew that Kingsely was correct, no one was certain.

That evening, Molly served dinner with several frowns toward the end of the table the students were taking up. Everyone else had crowded around the empty half, aside from the students themselves who had each cleared just enough room for their own plates, and Severus, who had taken his plate and set it pointedly atop a pile of Potions essays (one from each student) and was not taking any particular care against spilling anything. Hermione was far too concerned about the safety of her essay, which was at the top of the pile, to even remember to eat her own dinner.

Midway through the meal, Hedwig flew through the open window holding Harry's letter in her beak, and landed gracefully on the back of an empty chair. She looked around the table with a rather pointed stare, as if to ask why no one had taken the letter from her yet and by the way, where was _her_ dinner?

Neville stood from his seat and took the envelope, and rather thoughtfully plated a few extras from dinner and set them in front of the chair Hedwig had claimed. She hooted at him appreciatively and dug in, while Neville returned to his own seat to open the letter and read it out.

" _'Dear Order,_

 _Hello again. It's me, Harry. You may remember me from such letters as the one soaked in lavender oil,'_ "

Remus snorted. "How could I possibly forget?"

"I've been meaning to ask you about that, Remus," Tonks said. "Are you allergic to lavender or something?"

"Not exactly," Remus said with a shrug. "I've just got a very sensitive nose, being a werewolf, and certain scents just...make me sneeze. Lavender being one of them, which Harry knew full well. That brat."

Neville cleared his throat a little nervously and continued. " _'or the previous one that was alarmingly long._

 _I feel the need, today, to remind you that I am in fact still alive. Actually, thanks to the peculiar talent Crumple-Horned Snorcacks have of reversing botched necromancy, I'm not even a zombie skunk any more.'_ "

"Thank heavens," Arthur joked.

" _'And in case you've been wondering, Hedwig did manage to rescue me from Hubert's bottomless pit just before my birthday. I really ought to fill that in._

_In totally unrelated news, I haven't seen Dudley for a couple of days..._

_Love Harry'_."

There was, as often was the case, several moments of silence after Neville had finished reading, broken only by the sound of Hedwig finishing off her chicken.

Minerva broke it with a sigh. "Albus, perhaps one of us should go and make sure Potter hasn't genuinely lost his cousin down a bottomless hole."

The Headmaster, unsurprisingly, shook his head. "I am certain, Minerva, that both Harry and his cousin are perfectly safe."

"If the boy's down a pit, _you're_ going down to fetch him out," she said ominously.

"Very well, my dear."

 


	14. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Horrifically Harried Hawk

_**Letter Fourteen – "After finishing my Potions homework…"** _

It didn't take long for Bill and Charlie to lose interest in Moody's search for Harry and go in search of food, leaving only Kingsley and Tonks assisting Moody. Their return to the kitchen provided a welcome distraction from homework for all but Hermione, though even she reluctantly let her attention be drawn from her Transfiguration essay in order to hear what they had to say.

"There's definitely something up with Mad-Eye's magical eye," Bill said as he helped himself to a sandwich. "There isn't a spell or potion known that can fool it, so I can't believe that Mad-Eye thinks it's possible that Harry's found one. And he'd have finished searching within the hour if he trusted what he was seeing with it."

Charlie nodded, hastily swallowing his own sandwich in order to add, "So Bill and I thought we might take a look around to see if Mad-Eye's lost it around here or something."

"Surely he would have mentioned something if it had gone missing here?" Molly said, only seeming to be paying half attention. She was making yet more sandwiches to add to the platter on the table, having taken to keeping it full and under charms to keep them fresh. It had become almost impossible to gather everyone for regular meals over the past few days, not to mention the growing piles of essays and schoolbooks taking up the table, and this way she felt sure that no one was going hungry.

"'Course he wouldn't," Bill scoffed, "not exactly 'constant vigilance' to lose your own eye, Mum."

Arthur nodded. "That's a good point. He did mention having some difficulties with it a couple of weeks ago."

Bill frowned thoughtfully but didn't speak as Kingsley, looking oddly morose, drifted into the kitchen to inspect the sandwich platter. After a moment his shoulders slumped, he looked up, bestowing a sorrowful look of betrayal upon Molly, and then left the room empty handed.

Molly sighed loudly. "Honestly, that man!" she huffed.

Albus chuckled, eyes twinkling over his tea cup. "Perhaps he would be better pleased if there were some sandwiches with cheese in them, Molly?"

"There are several different types of sandwich on that platter, Albus, at least half of which contain cheese!" she snapped. "He refuses to eat them unless they're on plain white bread with nothing more than cheese and butter!"

There was a moment of quiet during which Hermione, Arthur, and the four present Weasley children all shivered in fear. Refusing to eat Molly Weasley's cooking was likely to result in a similar outcome to most of Fred and George's potion experiments - explosive and messy.

Then Albus cleared his throat, albeit a little nervously. "Ah, well, perhaps-"

"NO!" Charlie, Bill, and Ginny shouted.

The Headmaster fell silent in utter shock, unused to being both shouted at and interrupted. He then took notice of the distinctly worrisome way Molly was wielding the butter knife, a dangerous glint in her eye, and thought better of suggesting she just make Kingsley some plain cheese sandwiches.

He cleared his throat again. "Perhaps he should be less, ahem, picky?" he suggested weakly.

Molly relaxed her grip on the knife slightly, and the tension in the room lessened, but no one dared speak for almost half an hour.

Hermione was getting into the most interesting part of her essay and even having a bit of a breakthrough, managing to ignore Ron's grumbling about being bored, Ginny acting out a goblin war with a set of salt and pepper shakers, Neville humming happily to himself as he wrote his Herbology essay, and even that Luna was drawing a large picture of a flamingo over the top of her Charms essay and giggling maniacally.

Naturally, that moment of peace and quiet and wonderful intellectual realizations was the moment that Hedwig arrived with a loud hoot and completely erased all Transfiguration epiphanies from Hermione's mind.

Hedwig flew to the back of an empty chair across the table, and once she was still they could all see her tail feathers were singed and she looked quite ruffled.

"Oh my," Minerva murmured, reaching out and smoothing the feathers on the owl's head. Hedwig hooted thankfully in response.

As though they knew Harry's letter had arrived, Remus and Severus stepped into the room, followed by the twins. The latter two walked over to Hedwig, Fred taking the letter and George looking closely at her tail feathers.

"I thought I heard Hedwig," Remus said with a smile. "Have we read Harry's letter yet?"

"Not yet," Arthur said. "I suppose someone ought to."

"Er, Professor," George said suddenly, turning to Severus. "Is it just me, or does Hedwig look as though she's just escaped a potions explosion?"

Severus inspected the owl, and then scowled. "Yes, Weasley, it does appear that way."

"I think you better open that letter, Fred," Ron suggested, dropping his quill eagerly.

Fred grinned and nodded before doing so.

" _'Dear Order,_

_After finishing my Potions homework,'_ " Fred paused to grin at the barely suppressed groan Severus let out at that. " _'I have realised that a few of the potions we were assigned to study could be altered and in some cases greatly improved by the addition of a few common spices.'_ "

Severus sat down, very pale.

" _'Aunt Petunia wasn't particularly pleased to find me experimenting with them in the kitchen, for some reason. She kept muttering something about kelp. Odd woman._

_Love Harry_

_PS. Could someone come and grow my eyebrows back, please?'_ "

"Are you all right, Professor?" Hermione asked, noticing that Severus seemed to be shaking.

The Potions Master let out a choked sound that was, after a few seconds, recognizable as a laugh. "Potter is experimenting with potions. Oh dear lord. He's going to bring Hogwarts down around our ears." He continued muttering in this vein under his breath. Remus patted him on the shoulder in an attempt at comfort.

"Right then!" Bill said suddenly, standing from his chair and striking a dramatic pose. "I'm going on a dangerous mission to find Mad-Eye Moody's magical eye! Who's with me?"

Ron, Charlie, and Ginny immediately leapt from their seats, along with the slightly less enthusiastic Neville and Luna, and the five of them followed Bill out of the kitchen.

Hermione shrugged, tossed down her quill, and joined them.

 


	15. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Marvellously Magical Macaw

_**Letter Fifteen – "You may notice that Hedwig is a little more colourful than usual."** _

After two days, Hermione was ready to admit they were never going to find Moody's magical eye. Unfortunately, she was the only one of the group willing to give up, and given some of the things they had come across during the search, she wasn't quite ready to walk away.

They had crossed paths with Moody, Tonks, and Kingsley several times, though they hadn't told them what they were doing. Moody seemed to be becoming more and more irritated with his lack of success, while Kingsley was still sulking over his lack of cheese sandwiches. Tonks had confided that she was only still tagging along because she found both their attitudes highly entertaining.

They had also, very early one morning, encountered an escaped camel on the fourth floor. The five of them had stared silently, and Elmer had stared back. Then both the group of humans and the camel went their own way.

Hermione did wonder how he had escaped, though by lunch time she had her suspicions. They had found Fred and George cackling in the attic, which seemed rather like an admission of guilt (though it could also be attributed to the fluffy pink stuffed unicorn Fred was holding. Hermione was fairly certain she didn't want to know).

They had also passed an amused Remus on the stairs late that night, followed by Severus, muttering furiously to himself and glowering suspiciously at Luna, who just smiled innocently.

A few hours after that, Charlie fell asleep with his forehead resting against the door of a second floor bathroom. Moments later Bill, leaning against the wall, stopped speaking mid-sentence, and after several prompts for him to finish what he was saying, they realised he too had fallen asleep. They had thoughtfully moved both men to actually lie on the floor before heading further down the hallway.

Soon, Ginny tripped on a rug and chose to stay down, Luna shrugging and lying on the floor beside her. Ron, too, barely made into the next room, passing out in the doorway.

Hermione and Neville had crossed the hallway to the next nearest bedroom, though neither of them actually made it to a bed before curling up on the floor and falling asleep.

* * *

The first thing Hermione noticed when she woke up was the birdsong, and the second was the rock digging uncomfortably into her hip.

She didn't open her eyes immediately. Instead, she shifted to a more comfortable spot, contemplated whether they had all been victims of a sleeping spell of some kind, and inhaled the fresh, earthy, floral scent of the rainforest.

"Hermione?" she heard Neville say softly from somewhere to her left. "Are you awake?"

She sighed. "Yes, Neville, I believe I am."

"We appear to be in a rainforest."

"You mean Headquarters has been decorated as a rainforest, this time?"

Neville hesitated before answering, and in the silence Hermione thought she heard a roar. "No, I mean we actually seem to be in a rainforest."

Hermione opened her eyes and stared up through the canopy of trees in shock. She could see sunlight through cracks between the trees, saw a few large, colourful birds flying above her, even thought she saw a monkey of some kind swinging from branch to branch.

"When I find out how Harry is doing this, I am going to do something very unkind to him," Hermione said, as calmly as she possibly could. It didn't seem to have been calm enough, as Neville looked rather nervous when she sat up to look at him. "I wonder where everyone is?"

Neville shrugged, looking behind them to where the doorway had been. "I'd say somewhere out there in the wilderness, since we don't seem to have rooms to judge by."

They headed in the direction they thought they had come from the night before, and while they didn't find any of the others, they did find a staircase.

Hermione just stared. "There can't be a staircase in a rainforest, Neville."

Neville gingerly patted her on the shoulder. "There, there. It's magic, remember?"

They chose to descend, and eventually found the rest of the occupants of the house sitting in a small clearing, around a large rock with a platter of sandwiches upon it.

"I take it this is the kitchen?" Hermione asked, sitting down next to Ginny and reaching for a sandwich.

"Judging from the sandwiches, we believe so," Albus replied. "Did everyone enjoy their morning stroll through the rainforest?"

He received many glares and a couple of eye rolls, one cheery "oh yes!" from Luna, and an embarrassed smile and nod from Neville.

"That boy has gone too far this time," Moody growled. His magical eye was spinning wildly, though no one believed it was doing him any good.

"I'm not sure Potter is behind any of this at all," Severus muttered, eyeing Luna with great suspicion.

No one paid him any attention, and he himself forgot all about Luna as Elmer walked into view, seemingly intent on reaching the sandwich platter.

Directly behind the camel was a large tiger. Everyone tensed, pulling their wands out ready to defend themselves.

Hermione was closest to the tiger, and almost started backing away until she looked the animal in his yellow eyes. She blinked. "Crookshanks?"

The tiger let out an odd mewling sound and gave Hermione a pathetic, put upon look. Hermione quickly put away her wand and ran to her cat-turned-tiger, cooing at him. "Oh my poor baby, what did that mean, nasty Harry do to you?"

After a few minutes of soaking up Hermione's sympathy and love, Crookshanks looked up and growled fiercely. Elmer froze mere inches from the sandwich platter, having snuck closer while everyone was watching Hermione. He was, in fact, standing directly beside Severus, who when he noticed leapt backwards, swearing loudly.

Crookshanks snarled, and Elmer slowly retreated until he was out of sight.

"I'm rather fond of your cat in this form, Miss Granger," Severus admitted, smirking. "Perhaps we should keep him this way."

Hermione glared, though Crookshanks himself didn't seem adverse to the idea.

They all looked up as a large blue and yellow bird dove down at them, startled when it landed on Kingsley's shoulder.

"Is that a Macaw?" Charlie asked, leaning closer to investigate.

"No," Kingsley said, a pained look on his face. "I believe it's an owl."

The bird gave a strangled sound halfway between a screech and a hoot, seemingly to confirm Kingsley's statement.

"That's Hedwig?" Remus said, startled. "How could you tell?"

"The way her talons are yet again drawing my blood was enough to give me a hint," Kingsley told him dryly.

Charlie reached over and untied the letter from Hedwig's leg, stroking her back for a moment before opening the letter.

" _'Dear Order,_

_I went hunting for some kelp, because Aunt Petunia seemed to think my potions needed some. I don't know where she got that idea, all I managed was to set fire to her kitchen curtains and turn my Pepper-Up Potion pink.'_ "

"I sincerely hope he didn't drink any," Bill chuckled.

Severus snorted. "I sincerely hope he _did_."

Charlie rolled his eyes. " _'Anyway, I poured it down the sink and it worked wonders on the blockage we had._

_I made Aunt Petunia some tea to make up for destroying her curtains, but for some reason she just screamed and threw it at me before running away. I am beginning to suspect she has had some bad experiences with Potions.'_ "

Both Remus and Severus coughed to cover a guilty laugh and an evil snicker, respectively.

" _'You may notice that Hedwig is a little more colourful than usual. I think she fell into a couple of paint tins, or has been dabbling in home decorating. I may need to check her cage for hidden owl-cohol, in case she has fallen off the wagon.'_ " Charlie paused and gave Hedwig a sympathetic smile. "I wouldn't blame you if you had." She squawked sadly in response.

"Poor Hedwig," the twins chorused. "Spending so much time with Harry would drive anyone to drink."

" _'Well, still alive for now,_

_Love Harry'_."

Hedwig, having done her duty, took off from Kingsley's shoulder and flew into the distance.

No one spoke.

"Now what?" Ron said, finally breaking the silence.

"I don't know about the rest of you," Severus began, a predatory light in his eyes, "but I'm taking Granger's tiger and going camel hunting." And with that, he headed off in the direction Elmer had gone, Crookshanks obediently following at his heels.

"Hey!" Ron shouted. "Leave Elmer alone!" He stood and gave chase. Grinning, the other four Weasley boys followed.

"Well, that sounds fun," Luna said to the nearest tree. "I believe I shall go along."

Ginny jumped up at that. "Luna scents shenanigans like Kingsley does cheese sandwiches," she explained at seeing the startled looks from her parents. "I'm not missing out."

Kingsley followed along too, possibly because the mere mention of his favourite food drew him in.

Hermione sighed. "Well, I can't exactly go back to my homework. Knowing Harry, it's currently flying about the tree tops."

"And we can't go back to what we _were_ doing," Neville added with a wary glance at Moody. "Everything we were looking through is rocks and leave now."

"Plus, you really just want the chance to study some of the plants," she teased.

Neville smiled sheepishly. "Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure I saw a giant flower eat a monkey earlier. I want to find that one!"

Hermione laughed. "Of course."

They shared a look, grinned, and chased after the others.

 


	16. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Pretty Purple Penguin

_**Letter Sixteen – "Mm, sandwich."** _

Late that first evening, everyone gathered once more around the rock that held the sandwich platter to eat and discuss their day.

Despite all the other food from the kitchen being missing, the sandwich platter had still been continually topped up throughout the day. No one really suspected Molly, as Kingsley's precious plain cheese sandwiches had made an appearance, but it was unknown whether it had been the Headmaster, another member of the Order, just part of the rainforest spell, or perhaps a house elf.

"Speaking of house elves," Ron said suddenly through a mouthful of sandwich, "has anyone actually seen Kreacher this summer?"

There was silence as everyone exchanged startled glances.

"I remember seeing him the first week back from Hogwarts," Hermione answered. "Just once or twice, wandering from room to room. But I haven't seen him since."

"It has definitely been a few weeks since the last time I remember seeing him as well," Remus added. "Though I will admit, I have caught his not entirely pleasant scent more recently."

"Well, at least we know he's still around," Bill sighed. "I'd imagine we'd all smell something if he had just up and died in a closet somewhere."

Conversation drifted towards the state of the house. There were no distinct rooms, though there were still different floors discernible only due to the staircases.

"And because there are no rooms, we don't have anywhere to sleep," Tonks said. She seemed rather disgruntled, and had done since returning to the group. "I really don't want to sleep on a pile of leaves."

"You're just worried about those giant beetles," Kingsley said with a grin. He was sitting cross legged with a pile of cheese sandwiches on his lap and hadn't stopped smiling since finding them on the platter.

"Giant beetles?" Fred asked brightly.

"Oh, do tell," George added, leaning forward eagerly.

Tonks glowered at them, then at Kingsley, and refused to speak.

Albus cleared his throat, hoping to derail any and all arguments, at least for a few moments. "I wouldn't worry too much about sleeping arrangements, my dear. I suspected the house may remain this way for a while."

Luna snickered. Severus narrowed his eyes at her, scowling.

The Headmaster raised his wand and conjured eighteen squishy purple sleeping bags, just like the ones Hermione remembered from when Sirius had broken into Hogwarts in her third year. With another wave of his wand, the sleeping bags floated over their heads and drifted gently into their laps.

Kingsley quickly moved it from atop his sandwiches, and stroked one gently. Everyone pretended not to notice.

Severus was eyeing his sleeping bag with extreme distaste. "Was the colour _truly_ necessary, Albus?"

"Oh yes," the older man replied cheerfully. "It's such a lovely colour, Severus."

Charlie stood and shook out his own, kicking off his shoes and climbing in. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had a very tiring day."

For the most part, the others followed his example. Kingsley remained sitting long enough to finish the last of his hoarded sandwiches. Severus was poking his sleeping bag with his wand in attempt to change it to a more palatable black or dark green, with little success.

Hermione leaned back onto Crookshanks, using him as a giant, warm, furry pillow. He didn't seem to mind, and she felt she would be safest from monkeys, birds, and giant beetles with a tiger on her side.

Albus, Minerva, Molly, and Arthur had conjured themselves some tea, and stayed up drinking it and chatting quietly well into the night.

* * *

The next morning, Hermione woke up with a start when someone screamed.

She sat up quickly, and was horrified. Tonks, who was still screaming, was covered in beetles almost the size of her head. There were more of them scattered amongst the rest of the group, everyone now awake and noticing them.

One beetle started toward Hermione, but when Crookshanks growled from behind her it retreated. Hermione scratched behind his ears in thanks.

Luna, on the other hand, was quite excited. "Quick!" she exclaimed, holding a hand out behind her and not looking away from the nearest beetle. "I need a safari hat and a magnifying glass!"

Everyone paused momentarily, even Tonks, who was in the middle of being rescued by Moody.

After a few seconds, Luna huffed impatiently and wiggled her fingers. Albus obligingly conjured her required items and levitated them into her waiting hand. "Thank you," she said primly, placing the hat upon her head. She then dropped to her stomach, leaning on her elbows and using the magnifying glass to examine the beetle she had been watching more closely.

Severus gave the Headmaster an odd look. Albus just gave a serene smile, at which Severus rolled his eyes and lost interest. "Cat. Giant beetles or dastardly camel?"

Crookshanks looked to Hermione and seemed apologetic, then turned towards Severus hopefully. "Oh, go on," she sighed. "I'm sure I won't be eaten by giant beetles while you're gone."

Severus seemed pleased as he led Crookshanks out of the clearing.

Ron shared a look with each of his siblings, resulting in each of them grabbing a handful of sandwiches and once more giving chase.

* * *

Hermione spent the next two days alternately helping Luna track beetles and joining Neville's plant discovery expeditions, which was made far easier when the two paths coincided.

They'd taken their sleeping bags along with them, camping wherever they felt sleepy and returning to restock on sandwiches when they ran out.

Most of the older group were still staying around the former kitchen table. Even Severus was returning of a night, as evidenced by his sleeping bag sitting innocently in the pile under a tree. It was a single shade darker than the others, a result of a good two hours of work.

On the second day, just before returning for dinner, Hermione felt inexplicably sleepy. Judging from Neville's yawn and Luna's beetle commentary degenerating into sleepy mumbling, she wasn't the only one. All three of them chose not to fight it, instead crawling into their sleeping bags. They were out within moments.

* * *

The next morning, Hermione woke up in her bed. Glancing about the room, she saw that both Luna and Ginny were also waking up.

"Aw, the beetles are gone," Luna said sadly.

"Don't worry," Ginny consoled, "I'm sure there are still one or two wandering around."

Luna blinked, then smiled. "Oh, good point."

Hermione sighed. "Breakfast?"

The three of them were almost the last to arrive in the kitchen, where Molly was frying eggs and bacon and cooking toast. The sandwich platter was nowhere to be seen.

The last person to enter the kitchen was Kingsley, who paused in the doorway and stared at the table in horror. "No sandwiches?"

Molly turned and fixed a decidedly vicious glare upon him. "No. No sandwiches. There will be no more sandwiches. Even if it means me never leaving this kitchen until September, everyone in this house will be eating proper meals three times a day!"

Kingsley sulked, but even he seemed to know better than to argue with Molly Weasley and instead he merely took a seat and helped himself to some breakfast. Everyone pretended not to see him placing a fried egg and some bacon between two slices of toast.

The kitchen was mostly silent up until Hedwig's entrance, which elicited a startled growl from the back of the kitchen. Hedwig dropped Harry's letter on Arthur in fright, swooping over the table for a rasher of bacon (and leaving several white feathers drifting into everyone's breakfast) and straight back out the window.

Hermione turned and stared into the shadows, sighing when she saw that Crookshanks was still a tiger. "I suppose I should have expected that."

Severus suddenly looked more cheerful. Remus elbowed him harshly. "Stop thinking about camel hunting."

"One day I _will_ take that beast down," the potions master vowed.

Arthur coughed to gain attention. "Would anyone like me to read this?"

"Oh no, Father dearest," Fred began, feigning great shock. "That won't be necessary!"

"It's not as though we're curious," George continued. "Or as though we've been waiting for it-"

"-or any of Harry's other letters-"

"-all summer!"

Arthur just rolled his eyes and opened the letter.

" _'Dear Order,_

 _I think Hubert is still growing. He's definitely gotten bigger lately. Or maybe he's just getting fatter. He has been eating a lot of chocolate lately, we seem to suddenly have far more than usual.'_ "

"Because Dudley's in the bottomless pit and therefore is no longer _being_ a bottomless pit," Ron said wisely.

Minerva didn't speak, merely giving Albus a poisonous glare. The Headmaster's ever-present twinkle actually dimmed in fear.

" _'I think I'm going to go and make myself a cheese sandwich. Since my birthday, I've kind of developed a taste for them. Thanks, Kingsley._

_Mm, sandwich._

_Love Harry'._ "

"Perhaps I should go check on Harry," Kingsley said. "Make sure his cousin is still above ground, see whether he's completely off his rocker?"

"No." Everyone turned to stare in shock at Molly. "Not that I don't still believe that the boy ought to be checked on, but I know full well that you just want a cheese sandwich, Kingsley Shacklebolt, and I won't stand for it!"

"Also, I am certain that Harry is just as mentally sound as I am," Albus said reassuringly.

"I am in no way comforted by that," Kingsley sighed.

 


	17. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Vastly Vicious Vulture

_**Letter Seventeen – "I forgot Neville's birthday."** _

With Molly refusing to provide sandwiches of any kind, Kingsley had taken to making his own. Despite wishing to shove nutritious meals down the throats of everyone, Molly wasn't willing to let Kingsley go on a food strike all together (which he had threatened to do, until Hermione, lamenting that accursed lack of logic in the wizarding world, pointed out that Kingsley was a grown man and fully capable of making his own damn cheese sandwiches).

Kingsley had taken to keeping a plate of them on the kitchen bench at all times and snacking on them whenever he was peckish. This often left him with only one or two sandwiches on his plate, as he never made any more until he had run out.

With this arrangement in place, and no more spells being cast over Grimmauld Place, the last two days had been remarkably peaceful. Even the twins hadn't caused any explosions, and though Severus was still leading Crookshanks on Elmer hunts, he didn't seem entirely dedicated anymore and tended to spend more time reading books in the sitting room with Crookshanks sleeping on his feet.

And then somebody stole Kingsley's cheese sandwich.

It was the middle of the afternoon, and as usual there were several occupants of the house lingering in the kitchen.

Hermione was working on homework, while Ron was reading comics hidden in the pages of his Potions textbook. Neville was comparing notes he had taken on the rainforest plants with a book he had found in the library.

Ginny was experimenting with hairstyles on Luna, who was once again staring at the wall. Her expressions changed and she was gesturing with her hands as though she was having a conversation, but she was completely silent. Ginny had chosen to just ignore her friend's odd behaviour and put up with the occasional head movements.

Tonks was also sitting at the table, working on paperwork. She claimed Kingsley was making her do all of his as well as her own, though Kingsley had been seen to be doing his own enough times that no one believed her.

As usual Albus was seated at the head of the table with a large cup of tea. He was paging idly through an ancient looking leather bound spell book with no title, glancing up every now and then to send a twinkle-eyed smile to anyone who caught his gaze.

Kingsley had left a single sandwich on his plate after lunch and had disappeared somewhere with a trashy looking novel, muttering about having been too busy lately and needing to catch up on his reading.

Hermione's attention was drawn from her essay when she caught movement in the corner of her eye, and she started slightly when she realised Elmer had wandered into the kitchen.

The camel was known to be incredibly bad tempered, so she didn't dare move as he passed behind her. She almost, _almost_ , raised her wand to protect Kingsley's sandwich when she realised where the animal was headed.

Almost. Instead, she just watched as Elmer sniffed his way across the kitchen, finding the sandwich and picking it up. Oddly he didn't eat it immediately, but left the room with the sandwich still dangling from his mouth.

"Well that was odd," Ginny observed after a moment. Hermione nodded, Ron shrugged, Luna grinned, and Neville looked up from his book with a dazed expression on his face, having completely missed Elmer's appearance.

Several minutes later, they had all returned to their previous activities and had for the most part forgotten all about Elmer when Kingsley returned to the kitchen, took one look at his sandwich plate, and screamed.

Barely two seconds later Fred and George raced into the kitchen, instinctively reacting to the possibility of chaos.

Severus was on their heels. "What the hell is going on in here?"

"My... my sandwich," Kingsley said, staring forlornly at the plate. "It's gone."

Rolling his eyes, Severus turned to leave. "That's no excuse to be screaming the house down, Shacklebolt, I thought somebody was being murdered." He sounded almost disappointed.

"Who took it?" Kingsley demanded, switching from upset to angry in a heartbeat. "Who took my precious last sandwich?" He stared around the occupants of the kitchen suspiciously.

"Elmer did it," Ginny told him.

"Ginny!"

"Well he did, Ron. Really, if you're going to raise a kleptomaniac camel, maybe someone else should take care of him."

Severus stuck his head back through the kitchen door. "Did I hear that correctly? The Beast stole the sandwich?"

"Yep!" Ginny said cheerfully.

"I will have revenge," Kingsley vowed.

"Wonderful," Severus said with a dastardly smirk. "Welcome to the club."

"Oooh, can I join?" George asked eagerly. "I've always wanted to try camel!"

Fred sat at the table and stole some of Hermione's parchment and Tonks' quill. "I'll write some recipes down."

Ron sighed and stood up. "Well, if you're going to hunt Elmer again, I suppose I will have to protect him with my life. Again."

Hedwig, with impeccable timing, chose that moment to swoop into the kitchen and at least temporarily disrupt the impending camel hunt.

She landed on Kingsley's shoulder, holding out her leg as he untied the letter and then staying where she was, talons digging in perhaps more than necessary.

Kingsley sighed. "I don't know what I've done to upset you, Hedwig, but I do wish you would stop drawing my blood."

Hedwig just ruffled her feathers and dug in deeper. Wincing, Kingsley gave up and opened the letter.

" _'Dear Order,_

_I have just realised that I have made a very grave mistake. To be fair, I was falling down a bottomless pit at the time, but that is no excuse._

_I forgot Neville's birthday.'_ "

Kingsley stopped for a moment while they all shared looks of surprise. Neville's birthday had been celebrated with a small party in the time between the first wave of the Camel Wars and everyone running around like headless chickens to find birthday presents for Harry. Because it hadn't been a letter day, the fact that Harry hadn't mentioned it had never crossed their minds.

After a moment, Kingsley continued. " _'Neville, I am so, so sorry. I promise I will make it up to you. I will buy you all the exotic monkey eating plants you could ever possibly want. I will buy you candy. I will buy you alcohol. I will even buy you a pony, if you like._

_I hope you don't want a pony. I don't think the Headmaster will let you have one at Hogwarts, or that your Gran will let you have one at home. Plus Trevor might get jealous._

_Maybe I could talk to Hagrid about getting you your very own Thestral? Or Hubert might help me find a second Crumple Horned Snorkack._

_Just let me know, I'll hook you up._

_Love Harry'_."

There was silence, then Albus spoke. "If you would like Harry to buy you a pony, Neville, I'm sure an exception could be made for you to keep it at Hogwarts."

Neville coughed. "Uh, thank you, sir, but I don't think I really want a pony." He paused. "Monkey eating plants, though..."

"I suppose we should be glad we don't keep monkeys at the school," Severus muttered. "Though I expect we will lose a few less than intelligent pets."

"Maybe I don't want one," Neville said. "I know Trevor more than likely comes under the definition of less than intelligent."

"On the plus side, then you could get a smarter pet?" Tonks said with a cheeky grin.

"I think I have plenty now, what with the fish," Neville sighed. "I'm not sure how we'll transport them to Hogwarts."

"Oh, I'm sure the Headmaster will take care of it," Luna said, turning away from the wall to give Albus a little smile.

"Ah, yes, of course," Albus agreed, smiling.

Severus looked between the two with suspicion. No one else noticed.

 


	18. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Particularly Paranoid Partridge

_**Letter Eighteen – "This Transfiguration essay is awfully complicated."** _

"All right, THAT IS IT!"

Every last human occupant of Grimmauld Place froze in fear.

"I will NOT stand for any more of this homework disrupting nonsense! Ronald, Ginevra, Luna, Neville, SIT AT THAT TABLE AND GET TO WORK!"

Ron was immediately cowed, dropping into the nearest seat and pulling his pile of unfinished essays close. He flipped open a book, grabbed the corresponding essay and began working feverishly, casting wary glances upwards every few seconds.

Ginny and Neville shared a glance and a shrug before joining Ron, though much more calmly. They each figured it was far safer to just get on with it, rather than risk Hermione actually snapping and hexing people.

Luna was already seated, but obediently opened her history text before turning to the wall. "You really ought to make sure your History of Magic essay is finished."

Hermione eyed her dangerously, but Luna spoke no further, getting to work with a flourish of her quill.

With her fellow students diligently working, Hermione turned to the rest of the Order. "There will be no distractions," she hissed. "There will be no whining about sandwiches, there will be no camel hunts, no interesting prank inventions, no potions explosions, no _anything_ , do you understand?"

Their expressions ranged from genuinely fearful to amused to annoyed, but for the most part, everyone nodded.

"Good. Now unless you have legitimate reason for being in the kitchen, GET OUT!"

Aside from Molly, who swiftly made her way across the room to the bench, they all left. Molly was working on dinner, so Hermione let it slide and joined her friends in finishing their summer work.

Two hours later, there had been not one distraction, and Molly had called everyone in for dinner. Hermione allowed that this time schoolwork should be removed from the table during meals (likely more because she feared Severus using her essays as a placemat than for any consideration of convenience).

Molly placed down platters of chicken drumsticks, vegetables, and bread rolls. And then, she placed a huge platter directly in front of Kingsley, who gasped (and, as Tonks would swear to her grave, started tearing up). "Cheese sandwiches?"

"Yes." Molly sighed. "Just this once, Kingsley, understand?"

He beamed at her and nodded, already halfway through his second.

Halfway through dinner Hedwig arrived. Spying the food spread across the table, she dropped the letter into Minerva's peas before stealing a drumstick and a bread roll and disappearing back out the window to savour them.

"It's almost cannibalism, isn't it?" Charlie mused.

Bill shrugged. "Different species?"

"Evil owl," Kingsley countered.

"You're biased," Tonks snickered.

Minerva cleared her throat, letter already open in her hand. "If I may.

_'Dear Order,_

_I have been working on the rest of my homework, seeing as my Potions essay is done._

_Professor McGonagall, this Transfiguration essay is awfully complicated.'_ "

"That's what I said!" Ron exclaimed.

"It's no such thing, honestly," Hermione said.

" _'If I happen to not finish it, I'm blaming your overly high expectations of your students.'_ If he hasn't finished his essay, I'm giving him detention. With you, Albus."

"I don't usually oversee any detentions, Minerva," he protested weakly.

She gave him a look feared throughout the wizarding world. "You will if I say so, Albus."

"Very well, my dear."

" _'Currently, though, I'm working on my History of Magic essay. I really ought to make sure it's finished. After that, I might work on Charms. Or I might try brewing potions in Aunt Petunia's sink again. Works almost as well as a cauldron, though for some reason she protested me lighting fires under it._

_Anyway, off to Goblin rebellion land!_

_Love Harry'_."

Severus was staring pointedly at Luna, who looked back with an unnerving smile. Somehow everyone else had missed the connection between Luna's comments to the wall and Harry's letter, but Severus was almost beginning to doubt his assertion that the boy wasn't in Grimmauld Place.

Luna, as if reading his thoughts, grinned widely and shook her head. Severus just narrowed his eyes at her.

"Wow, Hermione," Ron said. "You actually managed to yell so loud that Harry heard you all the way in Surrey and started his homework too."

"It's just a coincidence, Ron," she sighed.

"I doubt it," Severus muttered. Luna just kept grinning.

 


	19. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Supremely Suspicious Seagull

_**Letter Nineteen – "'It's all very mysterious"** _

Under Hermione's strict timetable, it only took a few days for all of the students' homework to be completed.

Once the last word had been written, the ink had dried, and Hermione had proofread each and every one (Ron ignored all her suggestions, claiming he had already worked harder this summer than any other), they stowed their work in their trunks and abandoned the kitchen in favour of the nearest living area.

Hermione curled up in an armchair with a book on ancient cults she was reading for fun, while Ron was soundly defeating both Ginny and Neville at chess. Once he was done playing them, Hermione was planning to suggest he play four different games at once to give himself a challenge.

Luna was lying on the floor drawing pictures of trains, snakes, and flamingos, humming happily to herself as she drew.

Moody and Albus were also in the room, chatting over yet more tea. From what Hermione could hear, they were discussing Voldemort's suspicious lack of activity over the summer and the pranks that had been pulled at Grimmauld Place. Moody seemed to think the two could be connected.

Severus was, for reasons no one was able to discern, brewing a potion in the corner. Remus, sitting on a nearby couch, had an odd lump of clay in his hand and was prodding it with his wand.

The relative peace was disrupted when the twins burst into the room, shouting. "We found it, we found it!"

Everyone looked up at their entrance, and the rest of the house's occupants emerged from the kitchen at the commotion.

"Found what?" Hermione asked, when it seemed the twins weren't going to volunteer the information.

"Mad-Eye's eye!" George said.

Moody stood suddenly. "My _what_?"

"Your magical eye!" Fred said brightly. "We thought you'd lost it, and it turns out we were right!"

The Auror seemed caught between confusion and anger, removing the false eye he was wearing and staring between it and the one in George's hand in shock.

"Why did you think I had lost it?" Moody asked finally.

"Well, because you couldn't tell either way whether Harry was here," George said. "Bill and Charlie figured you would have seen him right off if your eye was working."

"The boy _is_ here," Moody growled. "He has to be!"

"If that is the truth, then I am a caterpillar," Luna said, not looking up from her drawings. "And if you are proven correct, then I shall indeed wrap myself in a cocoon and emerge a butterfly."

Everyone just took a moment to stare at Luna, who kept colouring her flamingo.

"Anyway," Fred said after the pause. "Now you can check and know once and for all whether he's here."

"Where did you find it?" Bill asked as Moody took the eye from George and carefully cleaned it off. "We searched _everywhere_."

George shrugged. "Actually, we should come clean. We weren't even looking, then we walked past Elmer-" Here George paused for Severus' habitual growl and Kingsley's newly added snarl. "-and there it was, dangling from his mouth. He near bit my hands off when I took it from him."

"And then he kept spitting at us until we ran away," Fred added. "Nasty attitude, that camel."

By this time, Moody had inserted his original eye and it was rolling madly around his head as he searched the building. Finally, it settled and he sat down with a huff. "Well, girlie, I suppose you won't be becoming a butterfly anytime soon. Potter is nowhere in this house."

"I know," Luna replied, smiling at the train she had moved onto colouring red. "Harry hasn't been here since last Christmas. I did try to tell you."

"Well if it hasn't been Potter, who has been casting all these spells?" Moody demanded. He turned to Albus. "This just lends weight to my theory! You-Know-Who is behind this!"

The sound of Severus clearing his throat drew attention to his corner. "Actually, the incident at the Ministry before summer has left the Dark Lord with quite a migraine," he said. He gave a rather nasty smirk. "Which is not lessened by even my strongest pain relieving potions."

There were several snickers throughout the room, until Moody realised what Severus had implied. "If it's not the boy, and it's not the megalomaniac, who the hell is behind it all?"

Severus silently stared accusingly at Luna, who looked up from her artwork just long enough to smile at him knowingly and wink.

Minerva, on the other hand, was looking directly at Remus. "Oh, I think I have an idea."

Remus blinked at her, all wide eyed innocence. "Why Minerva, surely you don't think I could have had anything to do with this?"

She snorted. "You were mastermind to a fair few of the more large scale Marauder pranks when you attended Hogwarts, and you are rather fond of Harry. Whether you're working with him or merely on his behalf, I'm uncertain, but I would consider you my main suspect."

"Oh really?" Remus said. "I, personally, suspect Fred and George."

"Who, us?" the twins chorused. "Never!"

"You did create that portable swamp," Ginny pointed out. "Plus you idolise the Marauders and have been causing all kinds of havoc since turning seventeen. I can see where Remus is coming from."

"Well, that's just offensive, don't you think, Gred?"

"Indeed, Forge, quite offensive indeed."

"If it _wasn't_ you two, who do you think it is, then?" Ginny asked.

"Oh, Bill, absolutely," Fred said.

"Bill?" George scoffed. "No, no, brother mine, it is most certainly Charlie."

Bill and Charlie rolled their eyes.

"It's definitely Severus," Tonks said, grinning.

Severus almost upset his cauldron in shock. "It most certainly is not!"

"Are you sure, Severus?" Albus asked, eyes twinkling merrily. "You must admit, you are the last person anyone would suspect to be working with Harry."

"Yes, because I would never agree to work with that brat, certainly not in order to cause such unmitigated chaos!"

"Er, Severus," Molly said hesitantly, eyes on the cauldron, which was bubbling dangerously close to the rim.

"No! I will hear no more of this! I am not working with Potter!"

"But Severus-"

"Remus, surely you of all people don't believe-"

"No, of course not, I'm the one who has had to listen to your countless rants on the evils of Potters in general and Harry in particular all summer," Remus pointed out, rolling his eyes. "But your camel repellent potion is about to overflow, and you added enough different varieties of snake egg that it will corrode through the floorboards."

Severus swore and vanished the potion.

Almost the very moment he did so, Elmer slowly poked his head through the door. After sniffing the air for a few moments he seemed to deem it safe enough to enter (likely because Crookshanks was currently in the aquarium room, watching the fish swim around).

Elmer seemed content to avoid the corner Severus was seated in, and Kingsley was quick to join him there. The camel didn't appear to be causing any particular trouble, at least for the moment, and while Severus and Kingsley each kept a wary eye on him, everyone else was content to ignore him and continue their speculation as to who was behind the bigger pranks of the summer.

Hedwig flew in through the doorway not long after, landing on Ginny's shoulder and looking around in confusion, as though wondering why nobody was in the kitchen for once.

Ginny took the letter, but paused before opening it to raise her eyebrows at Kingsley. "I don't know what you're always complaining about, Hedwig doesn't dig in the way you say she does."

Kingsley scowled at both girl and owl. "She has it in for me, I know it." Hedwig hooted at him dismissively before nibbling gently at Ginny's hair.

Grinning, Ginny opened Harry's letter and began to read.

" _'Dear Order,_

 _I received a postcard in the Muggle mail from Brazil today.'_ Brazil? Who does Harry know in Brazil?"

"No one I know of," Hermione said. "Maybe Seamus or Dean or somebody is on holiday there?"

Ginny shrugged. "Maybe _. 'Aunt Petunia was oddly horrified by it, claiming it must be cursed and refusing to touch it. For some reason she didn't think it was written in English.'_ "

"I have a bad feeling about this," Remus sighed.

" _'After closer inspection, I now suspect it may be written in'_ -" Ginny stopped. "Oh dear _. 'Parseltongue.'_ "

"Wait, what?" Tonks said. "Parseltongue? Does that mean it's from You-Know-Who?"

"I _really_ don't think the Dark Lord is in Brazil," Severus said, sounding pained.

"Well, he could have gotten someone else to send it," Remus suggested doubtfully. "But... a postcard? Really?"

"Perhaps we should let Ginny keep reading and we might find out?" Arthur suggested.

As everyone fell silent, Ginny obediently did so. " _'Now, I know what you're thinking,'_ -"

"Oh, I really, really doubt that," Ron muttered.

"- _'but I don't have any more ideas as to how a snake would use a quill or a pen than you do.'_ "

Hermione groaned. "Really, Harry?"

" _'It's all very mysterious. Perhaps I should go find a snake in the garden and experiment?'_ "

"Please let it be a poisonous one."

"Shut up, Severus."

" _'I heard about a wizard who could speak with dolphins, I wonder if they can write letters too?_

 _Anyway, the postcard is very pretty, it has a picture of a train on it, and some flamingos in a pond in front.'_ "

Severus just looked down at Luna, who ignored him for once, keeping her eyes on Ginny.

"Shut up, Severus," Remus repeated.

"I said nothing!"

"No, but I saw the accusation in your eyes. Honestly, how do you think Luna could be carrying out all these pranks and keeping in contact with Harry without anyone knowing about it?"

"Wait, Professor Snape suspects Luna?" George said incredulously.

"Nah, it can't be Luna!" Fred agreed.

Luna just swung her feet in the air and gave her snake markings like a boa constrictor.

Ginny sighed impatiently and kept reading. " _'I wish I could keep a flamingo as a pet, it would keep Hubert company- he doesn't get along very well with Hedwig.'_ "

"I suddenly feel kinship with a Crumple-Horned Snorkack," Kingsley said wearily.

" _'Then again, Hedwig is awfully picky as to who she gets along with.'_ Oh, you are not," Ginny cooed. Hedwig hooted her agreement. Kingsley snorted and shook his head. " _'I do hope she isn't causing anyone any pain at Headquarters._

_Time for some tea!_

_Love Harry'_."

"He didn't really get a postcard from a snake, did he?" Neville asked.

"Oh of course not!" Hermione exclaimed. "Don't be silly, Neville, there's just no way."

Neville shrugged. "I don't know, Hermione, this is _Harry_ we're talking about."

She paused. "Good point."

"No!" Luna shrieked suddenly. "No, bad Elmer! Bad! That's a very bad house-camel! Naughty!"

As everyone looked around, Elmer galloped out of the room, several pieces of half chewed paper visible in his mouth. Luna was now standing, staring after him and pouting at the loss of her drawings.

Severus stepped from his corner. "Granger, where is your tiger? I will reclaim Lovegood's ridiculously suspicious drawings."

"Oh, no, it's all right, Professor," Luna said, sighing sadly. "Thank you for the consideration, but it's best that Elmer disposes of the evidence, really. But he will be punished for it."

Hermione frowned. "How, exactly?"

"I'm going to feed him some of Sirius's old underpants."

"That would be acceptable," Severus said, eyeing Luna. "Though I doubt a _camel_ would care."

"Elmer is a very sensitive camel," Luna said blithely. "He refuses to enter Sirius's room, or go near things that smell too much like him. They seem to make him inexplicably nauseous, so he will understand it is a punishment."

"I'm not sure that knocks out my theory that Harry _is_ the camel or if it lends it weight," Arthur mused. Everyone stared at him in shock. "What, you hadn't considered it?"

"Given where he bit Severus, Arthur, I sincerely hope your theory is wrong," Remus said with a barely suppressed laugh.

"As do I," Severus muttered. Luna laughed.

 


	20. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Extremely Explosive Eagle

_**Letter Twenty – "Think about that for a minute."** _

Grimmauld Place had been so quiet and devoid of pranks that just about everyone living there was beginning to think it was _too_ quiet.

Kingsley was quite vocal about missing the shenanigans, to the point where Molly made him more cheese sandwiches for breakfast and shoved one into his mouth just to shut him up.

"At least you have a job to keep you occupied," Ron said glumly while Kingsley was still incapable of speech. "I don't even have any homework left."

"I think that's the first time I've ever heard you sound disappointed about having finished your schoolwork," Ginny said with a laugh. "You're not even eating breakfast as enthusiastically as usual. Come on Ron, cheer up. Enjoy the last of the summer; we'll be back at Hogwarts in ten days."

Hermione sighed happily. "I can't wait." She turned to Minerva and Albus, who shared a glance. "Are you sure you won't tell me anything about this year's Defence Professor?" It was far from the first time she had asked, but she was hoping that her persistence would pay off eventually.

Minerva huffed irritably and placed her tea cup down with rather more force than necessary. " _No_ , Miss Granger. You will have to wait until the beginning of term, like all the other students."

Luna patted Hermione on the hand sympathetically.

"A galleon says they haven't even hired anyone yet," Ron muttered to Ginny. She grinned and shook his hand.

Molly slapped the backs of their heads. "No gambling at the breakfast table."

"What about the lunch table?" Fred asked.

"Is the dinner table fair game?" George added.

"Allow me to correct myself," Molly said, rolling her eyes. "No gambling at the _kitchen_ table."

"How about the pantry?" Charlie said innocently.

"Under the sink?" Bill suggested.

"On the ceiling?"

"How can you gamble on the ceiling?" Ron asked his sister.

Ginny shrugged. "Sticking Charms?"

They were interrupted by a sudden explosion from the next room. Smoke started wafting into the kitchen.

Molly immediately looked to the twins, who had both frozen in surprise with mouthfuls of food. She raised her eyebrows, and, cheeks bulging, both Fred and George shook their heads, trying to look innocent (which didn't exactly come easily for them).

After a few seconds Severus and Remus stumbled into the kitchen, covered in soot and coughing from all the smoke.

"What in the world happened in there?" Minerva demanded. "Are you both all right?"

"We're fine, Minerva," Remus assured her, moving quickly towards the sink. "Just a little potions accident."

"Accident?" Severus snapped, rolling his eyes. "I'd hardly call that an accident. More like an act of deliberate sabotage!"

"It was no such thing!" Remus said. "I merely handed you too much pixie dust."

"The problem being that the potion didn't call for any pixie dust whatsoever," Severus said with a sneer. "You truly are a disaster near a cauldron."

"I only wanted to see what would happen," Remus said, trying (much more successfully than the twins) to look innocent.

"You only wanted to see an explosion," Severus corrected. "Which you did. And now we need to repair or replace all the furniture in the lounge."

"You know, there's something I've been wondering," Tonks said slowly, interrupting the argument taking place. "This is far from the loudest explosion we've had this summer, but I can't help but notice that Sirius's old mum hasn't had anything to say about it."

This distracted even Severus.

"How have we not noticed this earlier?" Moody demanded. "After all the trouble she caused last summer, and throughout the year, and we've only just realised she's been silent?"

"I wonder why, though," Tonks said. "She wouldn't just stop her bigoted screeching for no reason."

"Maybe it's got something to do with Kreacher being missing?" Ron suggested.

Arthur cleared his throat, a little awkward. "Ah, actually, no. I have no idea where Kreacher is, but I _can_ explain why Mrs Black hasn't been bothering us."

All eyes turned to him expectantly.

"Did you get her off the wall?" Ginny asked eagerly.

"Unfortunately not," he replied. "I sort of... blackmailed her."

"Blackmailed her?" Kingsley said. "How do you blackmail a portrait?"

Arthur smiled, a little sheepish. "By hanging a portrait of someone she dislikes directly across from her."

At their looks, he elaborated.

"I found a portrait of Sirius in an upstairs room, and asked for his assistance. He agreed to be as annoying as possible until his mother was willing to do absolutely anything just to make him stop talking."

"So, what, she promised to stop screaming at everyone and you took Sirius away?" Bill asked.

"More like if she stays silent, the portrait of Sirius stays Silenced." Arthur grinned. "Every now and then I go and unSilence him, just to remind her who is in charge."

There was a beat of silence.

"Oh, Dad, that's evil," Fred said, admiration shining in his eyes.

"We salute you," George added, then both twins indeed saluted.

Arthur chuckled. "Thank you, boys."

"Do I dare even ask how Sirius manages to be so annoying she's willing to go along with it?" Remus asked, understandably wary. He had spent a very long time with Sirius as his best friend, and knew full well how annoying the man could be.

"I admit, I have been casting a partial silencing on the hallway so I couldn't hear," Arthur said with a shrug. "Sirius himself suggested it. He promised it would be the most annoying he was capable of being as a portrait."

Remus shuddered. "I can only imagine it involved singing."

Hedwig flew in the window at that point, and the moment she spotted the platter of bacon taking pride of place at the centre of the table, she dropped the letter on Moody's head and landed in the middle of it.

"Hedwig!" Ron said in dismay. "I was eating that."

She glared at him, taking a piece of bacon and ripping into it viciously to prove her point- that it was _her_ bacon now.

Moody picked up the letter from where it had landed in his lap, looked at it, and then passed it to the sulking Ron.

Since he couldn't have any more bacon, Ron shrugged and opened the envelope.

" _'Dear Order,_

_I was having trouble sleeping last night, and while I was lying in bed I couldn't help but remember times in the past when I couldn't fall asleep._

_I remember back in first year I put earplugs in my ears, when Ron's snoring and Dean's sleep talking was keeping me awake. That didn't help, so I put pillows on their heads.'_ " Ron stopped and rolled his eyes. "That wasn't just first year, he's kept doing it. By the way, if I'm ever smothered in my sleep, it was Harry and I expect someone to avenge my death."

"All right," Hermione agreed. "If Harry ever smothers you to death, I will smother him in return."

Ron grinned. "Thank you _. 'Then there was that time in fourth year when Seamus kept opening my golden egg, that jerk. We ended up having to stun him for hours to stop him.'_ "

"We could hear it from our dorm, too," George groaned. "It was awful."

"We could hear it in the _girls_ dorms," Ginny said. "We all thought it was some kind of alarm and started rushing into the hallway until Katie Bell realised what the sound actually was."

Ron shook his head. "Harry had to hide the egg, in the end. Seamus just can't keep his grabby hands to himself _. 'And then, last Christmas, I couldn't fall asleep. I don't even know why, just one of those nights. So Sirius decided to sing a song to put me to sleep.'_ "

"Oh dear lord," Remus whimpered. "Poor Harry. I didn't know about that."

"That bad?" Tonks asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Oh yes."

" _'In case you were wondering, he was not successful. If there is one thing I will most definitely not miss about Sirius, it is his singing.'_ "

"Amen," Remus muttered.

" _'Imagine a sound, like nails on a chalk board mixed with yowling cat and strangled goose. Think about that for a minute. Sirius sang just like that. Maybe there's a portrait of him somewhere that would be willing to demonstrate for you all.'_ "

"How did he know about the portrait?" Moody snapped.

"I'm sure it's just a coincidence," Molly sighed.

" _'Or tell you a bedtime story. Yeah, he's not so great at those, either.'_ "

Remus coughed. "I do regret encouraging that."

"You _and_ Harry fell asleep, though," Ron pointed out. "Wasn't that much of a failure."

"It was terrible and I will stand by that until my dying day."

" _'Anyway, I'm starting to get a headache, so I might have a nap._

 _Love Harry'_."

" _I'm_ starting to develop a headache also," Severus muttered.

"Take a potion for it," Kingsley said wisely, biting into his final cheese sandwich.

"I intend to, however, I will need to brew one first." He fixed a vicious glare on Remus. "And _you_ had best not be anywhere nearby until I'm done."

"Oh all right, I'll find someone else to bother."

"You can bother me, Remus," Luna said cheerfully. "I was just going to feed my fish. And possibly Hermione's cat, he has been getting much entertainment from watching our dear fishies. He's taken particular interest in Fishcake, Eric, The Square One, and of course Severus."

"Of course."

 


	21. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Blindingly Bright Budgie

_**Letter Twenty-One – "Let me guess, no?"** _

The day Harry's last letter was due, Hermione and Ginny were woken by a delighted shriek.

Hermione jumped out of bed immediately, wand in hand, ready to defend against Death Eaters, Harry Potter, or cannibal plants.

Instead, her foot sank into the ground and she fell face first into the sand.

Sputtering, she pulled herself to her knees and looked around in shock.

Her bed was on a beach. Her _bed_ was on a _beach_. "What the heck?" she muttered, still trying to spit out the rest of the sand.

"There is sand in my pants again," she heard Ginny sigh from behind her.

Turning, she saw that the redhead's bed was also on the beach, and she was sitting up in it looking bleary eyed and annoyed.

They shared a commiserating stare for a moment, before simultaneously remembering that they had been woken by _screaming_ and quickly returned to scanning the area.

Luna was standing, barefoot in her nightie, ankle deep in the water. She was bouncing on her toes excitedly, pointing out beyond the waves. She turned, suddenly, and bestowed upon them a dazzling grin. "Look, isn't he _precious_!"

Hermione moved forwards, standing as close to Luna as she could whilst still keeping her toes dry. "Isn't _who_ precious?" she asked warily, squinting out towards a dark blur.

Ginny had joined them, though she had fewer qualms about her feet getting wet, and was shielding her eyes to better see what Luna was staring at. She dropped her hand to her hip and gave Luna a deadpan stare. "That's a shark, Luna. How can a shark be precious?"

Grin fading to a pout, Luna turned to look at Ginny. "He's one of my babies, Ginny, of course he is precious."

"One of your- Luna, are you saying that huge potentially man eating _shark_ is one of your _goldfish_?"

Luna smiled, eyes misting proudly. "Oh yes, I believe that is in fact Sushi. He's all grown up."

"You have seventy eight fish, Luna, how can you possibly tell which is which when they've been turned into _sharks_?"

"Oh, they aren't _all_ sharks, Ginny. Some of them are still fish. I believe that Fido and Howard are now seagulls, and Severus, Marvolo, and Eggbeater are piranhas."

"Piranhas," Ginny repeated faintly. "Wonderful."

Luna just shrugged and began walking down the beach, kicking her feet in the water as she did. "Are you hungry? I think we're late for breakfast."

Hermione shared another look with Ginny behind Luna's back.

"I can see that."

They blinked. "What?"

She turned and smiled at them. "Eyes in the back of my head."

"You have no such thing," Ginny argued, catching up and passing her.

"Well, no," Luna admitted. "You two are just so predictable." She glanced back at Hermione, who was reaching for a nearby crab with the intention of putting it down Luna's nightie. Luna raised her eyebrows. "Well, maybe not _that_ predictable."

Guiltily, Hermione set the crab down (gently as possible, given that it was probably either one of Luna's fish or one of her own books). "I am trying to be less predictable," she said. "As a defence mechanism. I _am_ just about to spend another nine months in the company of Harry Potter."

Luna laughed. "I think that would be very, very wise."

"And I think we should be very, very scared," Ginny sighed.

They walked for a good fifteen minutes before the distant rock formations began to take shape, and Hermione had to admit she was less than surprised to see a table shaped rock, surrounded by chair shaped rocks, most of which were occupied by a selection of their housemates.

The table itself was covered in an assortment of breakfast foods, a large platter of what looked like cheese sandwiches and bacon taking pride of place in the centre. As they drew closer, they could see there was a sign in front of the platter, declaring it to be the sole property of Hedwig, 'so hands off!'. Hedwig herself was as yet nowhere to be found, though Kingsley was shooting covetous looks at the cheese sandwiches.

"Good morning!" Albus greeted, twinkling cheerfully at them as they arrived. He was wearing a long, sparkly, purple nightshirt. "Isn't this weather lovely?"

"Oh yes!" Luna agreed fervently as Hermione and Ginny shrugged and muttered unconvincingly.

"A crab tried to remove my little toe, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm not entirely sold on the beach," Tonks said, rolling her eyes. "First beetles, now crabs... I don't know what all these creatures have against me."

"I think you're just unlucky, my dear," Albus said, helping himself to some scrambled eggs. "I'm quite sure that it is not intentional."

"If it were anyone but you, Tonks, I'd disagree, but it probably really _is_ just your bad luck," Bill said sympathetically.

She sighed, reaching for some toast and knocking over her glass of pumpkin juice. Several crabs floated out, which Charlie rescued and set free onto the sand. "Yeah, maybe."

Several other members of the household joined them over the next half hour, all in varying styles of pyjamas, the most interesting being Moody's sleep battle robes, the twins' bright green boxer shorts (that they revealed glowed in the dark), and Minerva's green tartan nightgown that, on closer inspection, had silver thread embroidered through it. For some reason, it seemed to intimidate Fred into hiding behind George, who seemed more interested in teasing their former Head of House about being a closet Slytherin supporter than protecting his twin.

By the time Ron and Neville stumbled out of the rainforest, ragged, barefoot, and hungry, only Remus, Severus, Molly, and Arthur were still unaccounted for.

"Where have you been?" Hermione asked Neville. It was pointless to ask Ron, who had spotted the food and fallen upon it as though he hadn't eaten in weeks.

Neville, who was also unusually enthusiastic about the food, swallowed a mouthful of eggs before answering. "Our beds are pretty deep in the rainforest, it took us this long just to find you guys."

"Really?" she said, surprised. "Ours were on the beach."

"We were in the rainforest," George said. "But not very far in. We could see the ocean easily."

"Ron and I wandered in circles a bit trying to work out which way to go," Neville admitted. "Eventually, he smelled food and we followed his nose."

"I wonder if that's why Mum and Dad are taking so long," Charlie mused. "I doubt they've slept in."

"Not to mention Remus and Professor Snape," Ginny said. "Unless they got distracted hunting Elmer again or something."

The elder Weasleys arrived a few minutes later, holding hands and smiling.

"We've just had a lovely stroll along the beach," Molly said as she sat down. "I think this is my favourite prank so far."

"How wonderful!" Albus exclaimed. "I am rather pleased that I am not the only one enjoying it."

Arthur looked around the table curiously. "Where are Remus and Severus?"

With impeccable timing, Remus stepped out of the forest, wearing brightly patterned shorts. "Severus and Crookshanks caught sight of Elmer on the way here, and naturally, they followed him."

"Naturally," Fred agreed.

"Those are, uh, some bright shorts, Remus," Bill said, eyeing them in amusement.

Remus shrugged. "I was wearing longer pants, but I thought I might go swimming, so I left them behind on my bed."

"I see."

They all jumped as Elmer suddenly loped past them, Crookshanks on his heels. Severus, in long black pants and singlet, wand in hand, followed after them.

Elmer veered toward the ocean and then back into the forest, but Crookshanks spotted something moving in the water and froze, staring.

Severus looked between the escaping camel and distracted tiger before throwing up his hands in defeat, pocketing his wand, and joining them at the table.

"Do you always have pockets in your pyjamas?" Charlie asked after several minutes of awkward silence and vicious toast chewing.

"Yes," Severus said shortly before taking another dramatic bite of his toast.

"Oh, calm down, Severus," Remus sighed. "I'm sure you'll get another chance."

"Stupid cat," the potions master muttered darkly. "Attention span of a goldfish."

"I don't know," Hermione said, feeling the need to defend her pet. "He's been staring pretty steadily at Luna's precious shark for the last ten minutes."

Luna's head whipped around. "My baby!"

As they all followed her gaze, the shark swam into the shallows of the ocean and Crookshanks pounced. Several seconds of needless violence later, he was dragging the dying shark onto the beach and chewing happily on its tail.

"Sushi, no," Luna whimpered.

"I'm sorry, Luna," Hermione said as sincerely as she could manage.

Luna sighed. "Oh, it's not your fault, Crookshanks is just following his instincts."

"I don't see why he couldn't have followed them to killing the _camel_ ," Severus snarled.

"More people would miss Elmer, I suppose," she said with a shrug. "Neville and I will miss Sushi, but that's about it."

Neville eyed the dead shark before shrugging. "Sushi bit me once. I'm not heartbroken."

Luna gave him a betrayed look.

Thankfully Hedwig chose that moment to distract everyone as much as possible from the crunching behind them, landing directly in her platter of bacon and sandwiches. She held her leg out to Severus, who raised an eyebrow.

Hedwig hooted. Severus leaned back in his chair. She shook her leg at him. Severus crossed his arms. Hedwig glared at him pointedly.

"Just take the damn letter!" Remus said, rolling his eyes.

Reluctantly, Severus reached out and did so -and while his hand was there, he snatched a piece of bacon and a cheese sandwich, the latter of which he threw to a delighted Kingsley. Hedwig screeched, then ruffled her feathers in almost a shrug, as though saying 'well played'. She started nibbling her bacon, while Severus ate his own stolen piece before opening Harry's letter.

" _'Dear Order,_

 _Aunt Petunia has gone to the seaside to recover from some kind of stress she has apparently been suffering from this summer.'_ " Severus paused to snort. "Oh, yes, I know _that_ stress _. 'I will miss her while she is gone, though at least she will stop scolding me for eating Dudley's chocolate for breakfast.'_ "

"I want chocolate for breakfast," Ron muttered.

"When you live on your own and make your own breakfast, you can eat whatever you please," Molly told him. "Until then, you eat what you're given and you like it."

" _'Uncle Vernon doesn't care about the nutritional value of my meals, so that's a relief. Though Dudley probably doesn't appreciate me eating all of his sweets.'_ "

"Not that he can protest from the bottomless pit," Fred said, grinning.

" _'I wish I could have gone with Aunt Petunia, I've never been to the seaside. It's a shame, I've heard it can be quite lovely. I'm sure you've all been, you'll have to tell me all about it.'_ " Severus stopped to stare at the letter in disgust. "Ugh. That's it. I refuse to finish reading the rest of this." He thrust the letter at Kingsley, who shrugged and took it.

" _'Oh, Professor Snape,'_." Kingsley paused to look at Severus, who had rolled his eyes to the sky and was refusing to look down, " _'could you please tell the Headmaster that he is now forgiven for that thing he did and that he therefore no longer sucks?'_ "

"Oh, that's a weight off my mind," Albus said, sounding genuinely relieved.

" _'I really would appreciate it. Also, if you could give Luna some more of your Death Eater robes to make all sparkly, that would be great, we need a uniform for my new secret club.'_ "

Luna looked hopefully at Severus.

"No. Definitely not. Never in a million years."

She pouted.

" _'Let me guess, no? Honestly, Professor Snape, you never let me have any fun.'_ "

"It _is_ my life's goal," Severus said. No one was entirely sure how serious he was.

" _'Ah well, we'll find something else to wear. Maybe something eye-wateringly bright. Or from the Headmaster's closet. Most likely both._

 _Love Harry'_."

"I suddenly feel the need to set wards and booby traps upon my wardrobe," Albus said.

Luna turned to him. "It's certainly worth a try," she said. "But there's no guarantee we won't get into it anyway."

Albus sighed. "Alas, I am aware of that."

"Right then," Remus said. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I might go for a swim, especially now there is less danger of being eaten by a shark."

Luna sniffed sadly.

"You might want to watch out for piranhas," Ginny warned.

"No," Luna said. "They're in the pond in the middle of the rainforest. The ocean should be safe enough, now..."

Hermione turned to look at Crookshanks, who was lying contentedly next to half a shark. She grimaced. "I think I might take a long, long walk up the beach before I swim or sunbake."

"Ooh, we could go back to our beds and built a giant sand fort to sleep in!" Luna suggested, bouncing back from her sadness suddenly.

"Sure, that sounds fun."

"I'll come too," Ginny said quickly. "Between the three of us we'll have it done by bedtime."

Ron cleared his throat. "Any chance of Neville and me crashing on your fort floor instead of trekking back and forth to our beds?"

"Why not," Hermione agreed. "You can even have a spare blanket or something to sleep on."

The five of them set off down the beach, followed after a few moments by Crookshanks, who was likely hoping for a blanket of his own.

"I'm never going to catch that camel," Severus lamented with a sigh.

"Probably not," Kingsley agreed with a commiserating look. "But I'd be willing to come along if you wanted to have one last try."

Severus thought for a few moments, then shrugged. "We may as well."

With that, they left.

 


	22. Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Unexpectedly Expositive Kestrel

__

_**Epilogue – "How was everyone's summer?"** _

The thirty-first of August began as a beautiful, sunny morning and only warmed up throughout the day. Hermione rather thought the weather should have been more ominous, to fit with her sense of impending trouble.

Just after lunch, Kingsley, Remus, Tonks, Moody, and Bill left to pick up Harry from Privet Drive.

They were all hesitant as they left, uncertain as to what, exactly, they would find.

About ten minutes after they left, Hermione was waiting for Luna and Ginny to get the towels the Headmaster had conjured for them out of their sand fort when it collapsed on top of them.

For two seconds her heart stopped, worried they might have been hurt - then Ginny sat up coughing and spitting out sand, followed by Luna's hand punching triumphantly through the sand pile like a zombie out of a grave. Hermione burst out laughing at them.

Ginny glowered at her. "This isn't funny," she fumed. "There is, for the umpteenth time this summer, _sand_ in my _pants_. When Harry gets here, I am going to BURY HIM."

Hermione just kept giggling, especially when Luna managed to sit up, sand falling from her and still looking oddly like she was rising from the grave.

Ginny gave her a look, somehow not seeing what was so funny. "Shut up, Hermione."

Luna started giggling then, albiet through a mouthful of sand, which only set Hermione off further. Eventually, even Ginny cracked a smile, and by the time a very confused Ron and Neville wandered over to join them, all three were laughing.

"What's so funny?" Ron asked.

"And what happened to the sand fort?" Neville added, staring at the huge pile of sand and sand covered beds.

"Fort collapsed," Hermione managed to get out.

"Got buried," Ginny continued, gasping for breath.

"I was a zombie!" Luna said brightly, before dissolving further into laughter.

Ron and Neville shared a look. Neville shrugged. "Guess you had to be there."

Eventually the three girls managed to compose themselves (though they were very pointedly avoiding looking at one another or at the collapsed sand fort), and they, along with the boys, started walking down the beach to 'kitchen rock', as it had been dubbed by Arthur.

"I wonder how long it will take for them to collect Harry?" Ron wondered as they walked.

"Anywhere from ten minutes to ten hours, probably," Ginny said. "Knowing Harry."

"Is it just me," Neville said through a yawn. "Or is the beach shrinking?

"Oh dear," Luna murmured. "Harry won't get to see the pretty seaside."

Ginny yawned too, setting off Ron and Hermione. "And I think I'm about to get more sand in my pants." She promptly fell face forward into the sand, letting out a snore.

The others followed not long after.

* * *

Hermione awoke sprawled across a couch in the living room off the kitchen in Grimmauld Place, and smiled. "Hello Harry."

Harry, who was perched on the arm of the chair across from her, grinned. "Hello Hermione." He glanced down at Ginny, who was still asleep in the chair. "I didn't know she snored so loudly."

"I wouldn't let her hear you say that,' Hermione warned. "She doesn't take it well."

"Duly noted. Is there sand in your hair?"

"Don't pretend you had nothing to do with it."

"I'm completely innocent."

"And I'm the tooth fairy."

"Oooh, really?" Luna asked, suddenly sitting up from the floor next to Hermione's couch. "I've been waiting so long to meet you!"

Ginny groaned sleepily. "I feel more annoyed than usual," she said, eyes still closed. "And it's not just my pants."

"What's wrong with your pants?" Harry asked, though from the way he slid off the arm of the chair and started backing away, he must have known.

Eyes snapping open, Ginny gasped. "YOU!"

Harry smiled nervously, still backing toward the kitchen. "Er, hello Ginny, how nice to see you?"

"You are _so lucky_ the sand is all gone, Harry Potter," she growled. "I _will_ get my revenge for this!"

"I wouldn't call it luck," Harry said lightly with a laugh. "But anyway, it's time for dinner and you three are the last to wake. If you're not quick, Ron will eat everything." With that, he darted into the kitchen, leaving the girls no choice but to join the rest of the household.

Once they were seated, Harry sent a beaming smile around the table. "So," he asked, helping himself to some roast potatoes. "How was everyone's summer?"

Hermione had to grab the back of Ginny's shirt to keep the other girl in her seat. A few chairs down, she could see Remus doing the same to Severus.

"Wonderful, my dear boy, and how was yours?" The smile Albus was bestowing upon Harry was just as cheerful as the boy's own. Both Hermione and Remus rolled their eyes and strengthened their grips.

"Absoultely fantastic, Headmaster," Harry replied without a trace of sarcasm. "Especially with Dudley out of the way."

"Your cousin wasn't down a bottomless pit," Bill sighed. "There was no such pit at all, and Dudley was sitting in his room playing video games when we picked you up."

"There _was_ a hole," Tonks muttered to Hermione under her breath. "It was barely three feet deep, though."

"I filled most of the hole in once I pulled him out," Harry explained. His tone of voice was completely reasonable, which left most of those at the table the feeling they were reasoning with a madman.

"I am glad you enjoyed your summer, Harry," Molly said, piling more potato on his plate. "But I do hope you weren't too lonely."

"Oh no," Harry said with a laugh. "I mean I didn't spend much time with Uncle Vernon, and Dudley was otherwise occupied all summer, but until Aunt Petunia had to go away I spent plenty of time with her. Plus I had Luna to talk to."

That merited a pause. Severus and Ginny even stopped struggling.

"You... spoke with Miss Lovegood?" Minerva asked, frowning. "I never saw Hedwig take a return letter - in fact, she refused any attempts to give her one."

"That's right," Harry agreed, taking a mouthful of potato to try and appease Molly. After swallowing, he continued. "I didn't get any letters all summer bar my Hogwarts letter and my birthday gifts. But Luna and I were chatting a fair bit."

"Chatting," Hermione repeated faintly, suddenly remembering all the times Luna seemed to be conversing with the wall. "And how, exactly, did you pull that off?"

"Er."

"A highly experimental telepathic link," Luna said dreamily. "It was ever so fun."

"A highly expermen- Harry, Luna, that sounds incredibly illegal and downright dangerous!"

Harry shrugged sheepishly. "Yeah..."

Hermione turned to Albus. "Much as they probably deserve it, they won't get in too much trouble over this, will they?"

Albus blinked and looked away. "Ah, Hermione, your concern is admirable. Rest assured that neither Harry nor Luna will be punished for their rather remarkable - and completely unique - feat of magic."

"Yes, we will never be able to repeat the results we accomplished," Luna said, sounding a little sad. "On the plus side, the Headmaster was so impressed that he has been my spell slave all summer."

Almost everyone remembered Luna asking for random objects or glittery additions to her bedding and being provided them by Albus with no questions asked.

Hermione and Severus, however, exchanged a vaguely horrified look as they came to a very different realisation.

"I have a question," Kingsley said, unknowingly delaying an explosion. "Before we start trying to work out everything else, where is Kreacher?"

Harry blinked. "Kreacher? He's been here all summer."

"We haven't seen him in ages, though," Bill said.

"Yes, you have," Harry said slowly, trying not to smile. "In fact, you've seen an awful lot of him."

"Oh dear lord no," Severus groaned.

"What?" Neville asked. "I don't get it."

"Elmer," Ron said, horror dawning across his face. "Kreacher is Elmer."

Remus just barely managed to catch the edge of Severus's sleeve as the other man tried once again to launch himself across the table, fingers twitching in a very strangle-y manner.

"Damn it Remus, just let me strangle him a LITTLE!"

"How long, exactly, is Kreacher going to _remain_ a camel?" Fred asked.

George nodded. "Because we really do think this is an improvement."

Harry shrugged. "Who knows? A while, probably. I don't know a lot about Transfiguring House Elves."

"Then perhaps you should not have done so," Minerva said though clenched teeth.

"Oh, I didn't," Harry replied. "How could I have? I've been at Privet Drive all summer."

"Are you sure?" Charlie asked. "I mean, really, really sure?"

Harry stared at him. "Yes, Charlie, I'm very sure," he said, clearly and slowly in case Charlie had trouble understanding. "Privet Drive, all summer, admittedly eventful but no leaving whatsoever."

"You can't expect me to believe everything you put in your letters, Harry."

"Why not? They were the completely true chronicle of my summer, after all."

"If those letters of yours were anything but a very poorly disguised cry for help, I will eat-" Charlie paused. Harry and Luna were both leaning forward in their seats eagerly, eyes sparkling with amusement (and no small amount of madness). Charlie coughed. "Five chocolate frogs."

Harry and Luna both slumped back in their seats in disappointment.

"All right, I'll bite," Bill said, rolling his eyes at his brother's sudden change of heart. "If you didn't do it, and by 'it' I mean all of the large scale pranks this summer, who did?"

Before Harry or Luna could answer (as he was in the middle of an overly dramatic smirk and she had started to frown), Hermione spoke up, voice icy. "I believe Headmaster Dumbledore can answer that one." She shot the man a vicious glare.

Albus chuckled, a little nervously. "I'd prefer Harry to answer all the questions, my dear, as he is the one with the answers."

Severus, sufficiently distracted from trying to get away from Remus to maim Harry, snorted incredulously. "Lovegood already answered that one, Albus," he said. This cleared Luna's frown away.

"Luna said you had been her spell slave all summer," Hermione continued. "And Luna's known too much to be uninvolved. Given that she's also been in contact with Harry all summer, that explains why he seemed so much like he was behind it all."

Luna giggled a little. "Between the two of us, we really were behind it all, but Professor Dumbledore was kind enough to offer a few ideas and a lot of magic."

Hermione sniffed. "I am very disappointed in you, Headmaster."

"Wait, WHAT?" Moody exploded. "Albus, it was YOU THIS WHOLE TIME?"

Albus stopped feigning any kind of embarrassment or reluctance and beamed around the table happily. "Oh yes, and wasn't it such fun?"

Hermione clenched one hand around her fork and the other around Ginny's wrist (Ginny quickly went from struggling to attack someone - Headmaster, Harry, she wasn't picky - and just started trying to free herself from Hermione's overly strong grip).

"'Fun' is not the word I would use," Severus snapped.

Almost everyone else was caught in varying degrees of speechlessness, or at least a reluctance to speak as they _had_ thought the summer rather fun.

"I will make you pay for this, Albus Dumbledore," Hermione said ominously. "Somehow."

"I look forward to it," Albus replied with a smile.

* * *

The next morning Hermione found herself standing on Platform Nine and Three Quarters, staring at the Hogwarts Express. Behind her, Molly was fussing over Ron and Ginny, and both Neville's Gran and Luna's father had arrived to see them off.

Harry stood next to her and slung an arm over her shoulders. "I have a good feeling about this year, Hermione," he said. "I think it's going to be great."

"Funnily enough," Hermione replied. "I have exactly the opposite feeling. I think you're going to cause unmitigated chaos wherever you go."

He grinned at her. "Well, yes, but it's going to be FUN."

Hermione gave in and smiled. "Yeah. I'm almost looking forward to it."


End file.
